This last month has been hell! I have struggled so much with my bi-polar and temper it's been kinda scary. I hate who I become when I'm in a low. I'm mean, nasty, bitchy, and all around crazy. If I was on my own this wouldn't be that big of a deal. I could just lock myself up until it passes. However, with a husband and kids it's not that easy. My kids have been walking an eggshells all month. I hate this. I hate the fact that I know there are many times my kids simply fear me. Not the good healthy fear kids should have for parents but the kind that keeps them from coming into the same room with me because they don't know if I'll snap and yell at them for simply breathing to loudly.
I haven't been able to take my meds regularly because of the morning sickness, (which I think is finally over,) so I'm hoping my moods will level off and I can start to feel a little more sane. My husband has been great through all this and is great about stepping up when I'm falling apart. Thank God for that or this house would be a horrid freak show in line for the next LifeTime movie!
My moods are starting to level off a bit and life is feeling a little bit more normal this past week. Kids are feeling safer and husband is happy. Things are looking up.
I have some exciting news. Starting this Saturday all 8 of my kids will be gone for a full week!!!! No joke. I'm so freaking excited I can hardly stand it. Dean and I have not had a break away from all the kids in years, let alone a full week. There are so many things we want to do that I'm pretty sure we won't be able to do them all. I will have a lot of time on my hands during the week as Dean will still have work but I'm ok with that. I have a pretty good list of stuff that I want to do on my own too. Ohhhh man, I can't wait!
The one thing that has been ok this month has been my eating. That's so weird to say! I've really not had much of an appetite and when I do, I crave fruits and veggies, not chocolate and ice cream. In fact, there have been a few times where Dean and I are sitting down for a show and he's pigging out on ice cream and I'm eating a bowl of carrots! Right now at this very moment there are a pan of super yummy brownies in the fridge that I haven't since last night and even that was a pretty small piece!
I've been try to work on finding the little positives in the hell of life even if it's the smallest thing, like the kids didn't scream for ten seconds today. lol Yes, sometimes that's all I get.
Well, that's all I have for now. Hopefully I'll start posting more and a little more happy then my last few blogs. Hope everyone in blogger land is doing good!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
I Did It!
Ok, I know making it one day isn't something to really celebrate, but for me it is...at least right now. I've made so many plans and never stick to any of them. I've very happy I made it one day. I know I'll make it though today also. We will be going to see family today and the food they make is never that good so I'm not stressed about eating bad. I had breakfast and will have my water and tea, then supper. Hope everyone has a wonderful 4th!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Yesterday and Today
Yesterday I was so bi-polar. Bluh! I'm still feeling a little down but doing better. I don't know what happened yesterday that set me off. I know the heat was part of it. It was like all my failures were slammed in my face without any warning. I just couldn't deal with it all. When my husband got home I broke down. He let me go to bed early and he took care of the kids for the night. It seems like everything I suck at comes down to my weight. I could homeschool the kids better if I was thin and in shape. I'd have the energy to keep up with them and not burn out at noon. My friends would want to hang out with me if I wasn't fat and embarrassing to be seen in public with. My husband would want me if I wasn't a big tub of lard. I'd be able to lead my CR group better if I wasn't such a damn hypocrite. The list goes on and on.
I know that being pregnant plays a part in how I feel but I'm tired of it taking my body completely. I know and read about all these large family mothers that have it all together and always have a great body. Am I the only large family fat mom out there?! It makes me so angry. How is it that they can push out 10 kids and still be in a size 8? Really? I miss when I was 150 and would get people saying, "there is no way you've had 7 kids!" I loved those comments. It made me feel like I could do anything. Then, I get pregnant and it all went away. I wasn't even able to get back down there after I had S. I'm one of those that gain 60lbs no matter what I do during the pregnancy. And now, I'm doing it all again.
I've tried everything to lose some of the weight I've gained already with this pregnancy but nothing works. It's like my body is out to get me. The only exercise I can do is walking, (which kills because before I got pregnant I was running 5/6miles,) and because of my sugar levels always dropping if feels like I'm eating all the time. I think I just need to restrict and deal with feeling like shit. I feel like shit either way so I might as well get something out of it.
Starting over. Breakfast and supper. That's it. Goal is to make it through the week on this plan.
I know that being pregnant plays a part in how I feel but I'm tired of it taking my body completely. I know and read about all these large family mothers that have it all together and always have a great body. Am I the only large family fat mom out there?! It makes me so angry. How is it that they can push out 10 kids and still be in a size 8? Really? I miss when I was 150 and would get people saying, "there is no way you've had 7 kids!" I loved those comments. It made me feel like I could do anything. Then, I get pregnant and it all went away. I wasn't even able to get back down there after I had S. I'm one of those that gain 60lbs no matter what I do during the pregnancy. And now, I'm doing it all again.
I've tried everything to lose some of the weight I've gained already with this pregnancy but nothing works. It's like my body is out to get me. The only exercise I can do is walking, (which kills because before I got pregnant I was running 5/6miles,) and because of my sugar levels always dropping if feels like I'm eating all the time. I think I just need to restrict and deal with feeling like shit. I feel like shit either way so I might as well get something out of it.
Starting over. Breakfast and supper. That's it. Goal is to make it through the week on this plan.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Depressed
I haven't been doing well lately. I'm depressed and completely miserable. I hate everything about myself and wish I would die. Why be alive if you just suck at everything? I'm a pathitic wife, mother, and women. the only thing I hear is "just die you disgusting fat piece of shit."
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
I'm Back
After being gone for two weeks camping with the family I'm finally back and ready to blog. I have to say, two weeks, outdoors, with 8 kids is VERY exhausting! haha We had an ok time. Some really good days, some not so good. Dean and I learned we have to train our kids way more! Whining is prevalent in our home and it's so not ok. Let the training begin!
This week as been pretty good. We got home Sunday and started school yesterday and reworked our daily schedule. I know it's only been two days, but it's been a good two days. I have alot coming up in the next month and trying not to let it stress me out. We have family coming up, all my sisters will be together for the first time in many years, which is good and bad. We don't always get along and seem to love each other from a distance better. But maybe that's just how siblings are.
I also have the relaunching of CR coming up and I have to get my butt in gear to get stuff organized and figure out what I'm going to talk about at the informational meeting on the 10th of next month. Did I ever mention I have a fear of public speaking? ~sigh~ When I first got into CR as a leader I didn't know I would shortly become the director and run the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but I'm not good at the whole speaking to groups thing. So until I get more leaders, it's my job :-)
As far as my eating has gone, it had been going ok. I didn't think once about my ED while camping until a dear friend came to visit at the end of our trip. She struggles with needing to gain weigh. She has alot of health problems so she loses weight easily. She told me she finally got up to 120. That was my goal weight before I got pregnant. "finally go UP to." Grrr, bit me! haha I love her to death but damn it I want her body. haha I'd even take the health problems. Anyway, the last two days of camping were hard because I wanted to cry most of the time and both nights cried myself to sleep because all I could think about was how much weight I've gained and how gross I've become. I'm still around the 200lb mark. Which I'll mostly stay at until the end of the pregnancy, then gain another 20/30lbs right before I have the baby and be right back to needing to lose 100lbs. Man that is so messed up. That's how it's played out with the last two kids so it's safe to say that's how it will go this time too.
I'd like to say I'm not going to let it happen, make a plan and stick to it, but really, it's not going play out that way. Part of me wants to just say fuck it and not care until after baby and then work it off, but then I look at myself and realize that I'll be miserable if I do that yet trying to fight the fat seems so freaking hard too.
I guess that's all I have for now. Hope everyone is having a good week!
This week as been pretty good. We got home Sunday and started school yesterday and reworked our daily schedule. I know it's only been two days, but it's been a good two days. I have alot coming up in the next month and trying not to let it stress me out. We have family coming up, all my sisters will be together for the first time in many years, which is good and bad. We don't always get along and seem to love each other from a distance better. But maybe that's just how siblings are.
I also have the relaunching of CR coming up and I have to get my butt in gear to get stuff organized and figure out what I'm going to talk about at the informational meeting on the 10th of next month. Did I ever mention I have a fear of public speaking? ~sigh~ When I first got into CR as a leader I didn't know I would shortly become the director and run the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but I'm not good at the whole speaking to groups thing. So until I get more leaders, it's my job :-)
As far as my eating has gone, it had been going ok. I didn't think once about my ED while camping until a dear friend came to visit at the end of our trip. She struggles with needing to gain weigh. She has alot of health problems so she loses weight easily. She told me she finally got up to 120. That was my goal weight before I got pregnant. "finally go UP to." Grrr, bit me! haha I love her to death but damn it I want her body. haha I'd even take the health problems. Anyway, the last two days of camping were hard because I wanted to cry most of the time and both nights cried myself to sleep because all I could think about was how much weight I've gained and how gross I've become. I'm still around the 200lb mark. Which I'll mostly stay at until the end of the pregnancy, then gain another 20/30lbs right before I have the baby and be right back to needing to lose 100lbs. Man that is so messed up. That's how it's played out with the last two kids so it's safe to say that's how it will go this time too.
I'd like to say I'm not going to let it happen, make a plan and stick to it, but really, it's not going play out that way. Part of me wants to just say fuck it and not care until after baby and then work it off, but then I look at myself and realize that I'll be miserable if I do that yet trying to fight the fat seems so freaking hard too.
I guess that's all I have for now. Hope everyone is having a good week!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Feeling Better...And a Story
I woke up feeling pretty good this morning. This weekend I'm working on Eating small portions, eating slowly, and stopping just when I feel full. I know they say to stop when you feel satisfied, but ummm, that doesn't really happen with an overeater. So I figure, if I'm focusing on eating slow then stopping right when I think I'm feeling full, that that's a good start. I hate that my brain doesn't register stuff like this normally. Or maybe it does and I've just been good at ignoring it for so long that now I can't tell the difference. IDK
I've been thinking a lot about what ED I really have. I've never been diagnosed with anything before, but I know how I eat and all my weirdness with food is not normal. When I was in high school, I know I was anorexic. I was very underweight and was told people could see my ribs through my clothes if I wore anything fitting. My mom almost put me in the hospital at one point. I think it was shortly after that that I turned to bulimia. I then had a short period of time where I don't think I was restricting or binging and purging, but my past is pretty foggy. (Thank you sex, drugs, and rock-N-roll.) Then I got pregnant with my first child and nose dived into overeating. For years I didn't make the connection that it was over eating. I was just enjoying food the first time in years.
Fast forward 8 years and after having m 7th baby something in me changed. I started eating healthy, and I was losing weight without trying. So, being all excited I decide to make a plan to keep this good thing going. I started counting calories and exercising almost daily. I felt better then I had in years. I lost 80lbs very quickly. I was so proud of myself! I felt great, and thought I looked amazing.
I got down to 170 and then did something every stupid. I had an affair. This was my turning point and I think my trigger for me slipping back into anorexic behavior. I know I can't say I became anorexic as you have to be underweight, but the tendencies all came back. I started restricting, exercising manically, and started hiding when I did eat. I got down to 150 and just couldn't do it anymore. I was so miserable. Binge eating starting to take over and I threw up a few times but hated it and didn't want to get back into bulimia. I started to gain and then found out I was pregnant. I didn't really watch what I ate at that point. I fell right back into overeating claiming I'd just work it off after baby.
Easier said then down, but my mind was in a good place. I had my down days but I'd work through them. I then lost 30lbs within a couple weeks and was able to keep it off but my body just didn't want to lose anymore weight. I then started the yo-yo diet crap which brings me to today.
I really don't know where this little story came from, but there you go. A little in site into my past. So with all that said, I don't really know what or if I have a specific ED. I know I have tendencies of all of them, so maybe it's that EDNOS I've heard about. I'm not even sure what to call my ED, other then fucked up. haha I know I have disordered eating and I guess sense I have to deal with it, I'd like to pick the one to suffer from. I know, that probably sounds lame, but whatever. If I have to suffer from an ED, I'd like it to be Anorexia. In my eyes, I see Ani as strong, beautiful, and always in control. All of which I want so very badly. I was there before, so why on earth can't I get it back. I'm not saying I want to be anorexic, but I want what comes with it. Strength, control, beauty, bones. And like I said, if it's my destiny to suffer from and ED, damn it, let me pick the one to have. haha
Well, this post got much longer then I planned so I'm going to go for now. Hope everyone has a great weekend!
I've been thinking a lot about what ED I really have. I've never been diagnosed with anything before, but I know how I eat and all my weirdness with food is not normal. When I was in high school, I know I was anorexic. I was very underweight and was told people could see my ribs through my clothes if I wore anything fitting. My mom almost put me in the hospital at one point. I think it was shortly after that that I turned to bulimia. I then had a short period of time where I don't think I was restricting or binging and purging, but my past is pretty foggy. (Thank you sex, drugs, and rock-N-roll.) Then I got pregnant with my first child and nose dived into overeating. For years I didn't make the connection that it was over eating. I was just enjoying food the first time in years.
Fast forward 8 years and after having m 7th baby something in me changed. I started eating healthy, and I was losing weight without trying. So, being all excited I decide to make a plan to keep this good thing going. I started counting calories and exercising almost daily. I felt better then I had in years. I lost 80lbs very quickly. I was so proud of myself! I felt great, and thought I looked amazing.
I got down to 170 and then did something every stupid. I had an affair. This was my turning point and I think my trigger for me slipping back into anorexic behavior. I know I can't say I became anorexic as you have to be underweight, but the tendencies all came back. I started restricting, exercising manically, and started hiding when I did eat. I got down to 150 and just couldn't do it anymore. I was so miserable. Binge eating starting to take over and I threw up a few times but hated it and didn't want to get back into bulimia. I started to gain and then found out I was pregnant. I didn't really watch what I ate at that point. I fell right back into overeating claiming I'd just work it off after baby.
Easier said then down, but my mind was in a good place. I had my down days but I'd work through them. I then lost 30lbs within a couple weeks and was able to keep it off but my body just didn't want to lose anymore weight. I then started the yo-yo diet crap which brings me to today.
I really don't know where this little story came from, but there you go. A little in site into my past. So with all that said, I don't really know what or if I have a specific ED. I know I have tendencies of all of them, so maybe it's that EDNOS I've heard about. I'm not even sure what to call my ED, other then fucked up. haha I know I have disordered eating and I guess sense I have to deal with it, I'd like to pick the one to suffer from. I know, that probably sounds lame, but whatever. If I have to suffer from an ED, I'd like it to be Anorexia. In my eyes, I see Ani as strong, beautiful, and always in control. All of which I want so very badly. I was there before, so why on earth can't I get it back. I'm not saying I want to be anorexic, but I want what comes with it. Strength, control, beauty, bones. And like I said, if it's my destiny to suffer from and ED, damn it, let me pick the one to have. haha
Well, this post got much longer then I planned so I'm going to go for now. Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Friday, May 18, 2012
Avoiding the Truth
I haven't posted lately because honestly, I've gained so much I've been too embarrassed to talk about it. I'm 9 1/2 weeks now and in this time have managed to pack on 22lbs. I didn't even know that was possible! The morning sickness has been killing me and with my blood sugar always so low I know I've not been eating the best. Sugar and as much protein as possible to help with my levels not spiking, but really? 22lbs in 9 weeks?! Please, someone shoot me. The only reason I know what I weigh is because I had a WIC appointment and I couldn't get out of it. My goal was to not go over 200lbs during this pregnancy. I'm now at 195. It hurts to even admit that. I haven't been running as I had the flu last week and this week I've simply tried to get my energy back.
However, this has to stop. Things have to change or I may just kill myself. But then really, the thought of people having to clean up that nasty fat mess, well, maybe I'll kill myself another time. I'm hoping to reset this Monday. We have alot of food related events going on this weekend so I'll get though that and then start fresh. I really need to start counting calories again so I know just how much I'm really putting in my face. because clearly I've been slightly delusional these past few weeks. Fuck!
My plan:
1000/1500cals per day
At least 8 cups of water
No more soda, not even diet.
Run every other day. At least 4 miles. I'm not going to worry about time or speed, just be moving at a slightly faster pace then a walk :-) I still have this half marathon ahead of me, so I really need to get off my ass.
That's it. should be simple enough, right? I'm so sick of the yo-yo weight crap. I can feel the weight everywhere, it's so gross. even my breathing has changed. I'd like to blame it on allergies, but let's stop lieing to myself. I'm ripping apart at the seems. I don't even look in the mirror anymore. It's to painful. The kids are noticing and making comments, but do I do anything about it. Yeah, hide in my room and stuff my face through the tears. Damn it. I hate this so much.
However, this has to stop. Things have to change or I may just kill myself. But then really, the thought of people having to clean up that nasty fat mess, well, maybe I'll kill myself another time. I'm hoping to reset this Monday. We have alot of food related events going on this weekend so I'll get though that and then start fresh. I really need to start counting calories again so I know just how much I'm really putting in my face. because clearly I've been slightly delusional these past few weeks. Fuck!
My plan:
1000/1500cals per day
At least 8 cups of water
No more soda, not even diet.
Run every other day. At least 4 miles. I'm not going to worry about time or speed, just be moving at a slightly faster pace then a walk :-) I still have this half marathon ahead of me, so I really need to get off my ass.
That's it. should be simple enough, right? I'm so sick of the yo-yo weight crap. I can feel the weight everywhere, it's so gross. even my breathing has changed. I'd like to blame it on allergies, but let's stop lieing to myself. I'm ripping apart at the seems. I don't even look in the mirror anymore. It's to painful. The kids are noticing and making comments, but do I do anything about it. Yeah, hide in my room and stuff my face through the tears. Damn it. I hate this so much.
Friday, May 11, 2012
The Flu
I have the flu. I only get it once a year but when I do, I feel like I'm dieing. I don't handle being sick well at all. I curl up in a ball and cry a lot. Two nights ago I didn't sleep well and had the chills. I was hoping it was nothing but then I started throwing up. Dang it! I threw up off and on all day yesterday but slept really well last night. When I woke up this morning I thought I was doing better. Nope. I'm guessing I have at least another day of this. Ick! Happy Friday everyone, and Happy Mothers Day weekend to all you hot mamas out there!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Fat Little Piggy
The title pretty much explains how I feel lately. I eat almost non-stop all day long due to the morning sickness. It's the only thing that helps. I hate it! If I didn't eat my blood sugar would drop and I'd get shaky, threw up stomach acid, and possibly pass out. Dean says other then my stomach, it doesn't look like I've gained any weight. I'm 8 weeks pregnant but look like I'm 8 months. "side effect" of have many kids. haha
A couple months ago I had bought some new clothes and now I don't fit in any of them. Thank God I didn't buy any jeans. I have a weird body and have only found one type of jeans that fit me right, and they are 50 bucks! I did a few cute maxi dresses that I will live in until baby is here.
Yesterday was weigh in, which I'm doing every other week, but I didn't weigh myself. I'm too scared to. The last time I weighed in I was 180. Remember not to long ago I was 165? Yeah, me to. I've heard it's normal to not lose or even gain as a runner, but that just sucks. How can you not lose when you weigh this much?! Oh yeah, when you are a fat pig that eats everything in sight.
As for my weekend off, it was great. I watched movies, went swimming with a friend, and tried to enjoy eating take out and told my brain to shut up whenever I ate. I hate all the thoughts that come with eating. I keep telling myself that's it's best for baby to eat and can work on losing after, but I've just lieing to myself. I WILL not go over 200lbs with this pregnancy. It's not like baby will start if I need to restrict after the morning sickness passes. I have plenty to go around.
My depression is overwhelming, but my bi polar has been ok. I'd rather be sad and tired then a bitchy monster. Which is what I become with my highs. I have a friend that has bi polar and her highs are manic highs, happy manic highs. Oh how I wish that was me. My manic highs are bitchy, scary, mean, angry, freak out moments. I never have happy highs. Never have.
Tonight I'm going to a bachelorette party. I'm excited but nervous. I'm going to be the biggest person there. I always hate being the "fat one" in the group. I remember in high school I always hung out with a really big person so I'd get all the attention. haha I know, I was "that" girl. Now, I'm the fatty in the group. :-( Karma? And lets not forget about the group pictures people what to take. I take up the room of 2 to 3 people. I really off center pictures.
Well, I'm starting to feel slightly better for the moment so I think I'll get my run in. I really need to get back to every other day instead of every 3 days. It really makes running hard when I run so little. It makes me feel floppy, and clumsy. I have spanx that I normally wear when I run to hold me in place but I can't find them, which makes me feel extra floppy when I run. Our dryer is down so we have to put the clothes out on the line which slows down the laundry process. Plus, it's been rains so we are really behind on laundry and I can't find anything to ware. Blah! Ok, I'm done whining...for now. heehee
A couple months ago I had bought some new clothes and now I don't fit in any of them. Thank God I didn't buy any jeans. I have a weird body and have only found one type of jeans that fit me right, and they are 50 bucks! I did a few cute maxi dresses that I will live in until baby is here.
Yesterday was weigh in, which I'm doing every other week, but I didn't weigh myself. I'm too scared to. The last time I weighed in I was 180. Remember not to long ago I was 165? Yeah, me to. I've heard it's normal to not lose or even gain as a runner, but that just sucks. How can you not lose when you weigh this much?! Oh yeah, when you are a fat pig that eats everything in sight.
As for my weekend off, it was great. I watched movies, went swimming with a friend, and tried to enjoy eating take out and told my brain to shut up whenever I ate. I hate all the thoughts that come with eating. I keep telling myself that's it's best for baby to eat and can work on losing after, but I've just lieing to myself. I WILL not go over 200lbs with this pregnancy. It's not like baby will start if I need to restrict after the morning sickness passes. I have plenty to go around.
My depression is overwhelming, but my bi polar has been ok. I'd rather be sad and tired then a bitchy monster. Which is what I become with my highs. I have a friend that has bi polar and her highs are manic highs, happy manic highs. Oh how I wish that was me. My manic highs are bitchy, scary, mean, angry, freak out moments. I never have happy highs. Never have.
Tonight I'm going to a bachelorette party. I'm excited but nervous. I'm going to be the biggest person there. I always hate being the "fat one" in the group. I remember in high school I always hung out with a really big person so I'd get all the attention. haha I know, I was "that" girl. Now, I'm the fatty in the group. :-( Karma? And lets not forget about the group pictures people what to take. I take up the room of 2 to 3 people. I really off center pictures.
Well, I'm starting to feel slightly better for the moment so I think I'll get my run in. I really need to get back to every other day instead of every 3 days. It really makes running hard when I run so little. It makes me feel floppy, and clumsy. I have spanx that I normally wear when I run to hold me in place but I can't find them, which makes me feel extra floppy when I run. Our dryer is down so we have to put the clothes out on the line which slows down the laundry process. Plus, it's been rains so we are really behind on laundry and I can't find anything to ware. Blah! Ok, I'm done whining...for now. heehee
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Ready to Feel Better
I've been bad about posting lately mainly because I feel I don't have much to say. Morning sickness sucks, I sleep all the time, the house is trashed, and I have no energy to make the kids do their chores or to do my training.
I force myself to run but hate it. Only sometimes do I feel good after a run. I just want to have my energy back. I know it will come back and I know I'm just being a whiner.
As for my eating, it's been going ok. I haven't binged in over a week but I'm still not eating that great. I've craving salty stuff and fast food like a crazy person these days.
That's really about it. Oh, I do have my weekend off starting tomorrow afternoon. Kid free weekend! I got a hotel room in town and my plan is to lock myself in my room and just veg and lounge around. I am going out with friends Friday night but other then that I'm just going to do nothing. I can't wait! I'm so blessed to have a husband that is not scared to take all the kids on for days at a time.
I may post over the weekend if I have Internet access at the hotel. Otherwise, I hope everyone has a great weekend!
I force myself to run but hate it. Only sometimes do I feel good after a run. I just want to have my energy back. I know it will come back and I know I'm just being a whiner.
As for my eating, it's been going ok. I haven't binged in over a week but I'm still not eating that great. I've craving salty stuff and fast food like a crazy person these days.
That's really about it. Oh, I do have my weekend off starting tomorrow afternoon. Kid free weekend! I got a hotel room in town and my plan is to lock myself in my room and just veg and lounge around. I am going out with friends Friday night but other then that I'm just going to do nothing. I can't wait! I'm so blessed to have a husband that is not scared to take all the kids on for days at a time.
I may post over the weekend if I have Internet access at the hotel. Otherwise, I hope everyone has a great weekend!
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Almost There
It's 4:00am on Sunday and I can't sleep. Tossted and turned for hours and finally got up about twenty minutes ago because I was tired of just lieing there. We have church at 9:30 and then going to a new friends place at 1:00, and I know I'll be crashing soon. I don't know what is going on. I feel tired but just can't sleep.
I've almost made it one week without binging or purging. Tuesday will make it a week. The morning sickness has really helped with my sweet cravings. everything seems icky right now. I've been wanting more fruits and veggies the past few days too.
One weird thing that happened the other day (which I'm told doesn't count as a binge) was that I binged in my sleep. Let me explain the craziness. I take seroquel for my bi-polar and one of the side affects is drowsiness. However, I do not get "drowsy." I get stone drunk tired. I hate it. Well the other night I got up to go to the bathroom, which I vaguely remember doing. When I woke up that morning I thought to myself that I must have really wanted donuts because I had dreamt about eating them. I went into the kitchen to get breakfast going and found 4 donuts gone! How funny is that? So much for dreaming about donuts. haha
Can't think of much else to talk about right now. Tired and want to sleep.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend!
I've almost made it one week without binging or purging. Tuesday will make it a week. The morning sickness has really helped with my sweet cravings. everything seems icky right now. I've been wanting more fruits and veggies the past few days too.
One weird thing that happened the other day (which I'm told doesn't count as a binge) was that I binged in my sleep. Let me explain the craziness. I take seroquel for my bi-polar and one of the side affects is drowsiness. However, I do not get "drowsy." I get stone drunk tired. I hate it. Well the other night I got up to go to the bathroom, which I vaguely remember doing. When I woke up that morning I thought to myself that I must have really wanted donuts because I had dreamt about eating them. I went into the kitchen to get breakfast going and found 4 donuts gone! How funny is that? So much for dreaming about donuts. haha
Can't think of much else to talk about right now. Tired and want to sleep.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Ick
I'm feeling kinda icky this morning. My blood sugar has been dropping so low and quickly I almost pass out and feel disoriented. Last night I was at the store with my oldest daughter and my sugar dropped. At one point I wasn't sure I'd be able to drive home. I somehow found the nerve and we made it home. I munched on strawberries all the way home. When I got home I have some more fruit and some veggies and felt much better. I did make it all the without eating and only drinking non calorie drinks but by the end of the night my body said no more. I forget about my blood sugar problems with my pregnancies until it dropped last night. I felt horrible. This morning I was feeling ok and got up early to make french toast for everyone and about an hour in my sugar levels dropped. I ended up have a piece of french toast and coffee with a little creamer in it. Then took a nap. I hope the rest of the day goes better.
I will be meeting my midwife today at noon. I'm looking forward to having a midwife this time around. We had often talked about having one but never had luck finding someone close by. 5/6 hours away doesn't really put me at ease if something big comes up. I've had natural births with all the kids and many different experiences with Dr.s. Most of which I walked away from feeling annoyed or shamed for having more kids then THEY thought we should have. Dean and I have come to the conclusion that when my body can no long carry a child we will be done. Putting my womb in God's hands. After telling this to my Dr, at that time, she told me she was tempted to tell me my body couldn't handle anymore kids. (In a joking manor of course.) Very rude and unprofessional. I'm hoping we have a great experience with this midwife and I know she shares the same views about having children so that puts me at ease. When you have many kids you get a wide range of negative comments thrown at you often. I've learned to brush it off because I know they just don't see children as I do. A blessing. Yes, the freak me out some times, piss me off and make me scream, but at the end of the day I wouldn't trade them for anything, and thank God for each and every one of them.
I also have a meeting with one of our pastors about doing a charity run for CR (Celebrate Recover) I'm super excited about this. I'm hoping to hold a 5/10K to bring awareness and funds to our group. There is a lot more work that goes into getting something like this off the ground so I'm hoping I get a good group of people that can help me make this a success.
Well, for the rest of the day I'm going to stick to non cal drinks and then have a light supper so my sugar doesn't freak out again. I'm not going to make a solid plan for my eating because as you've noticed I don't really stick to them these days. So my loosely made plan is to have breakfast and then a light supper with a small snack on my running days. For the next week I'm also NOT going to binge or purge. For the whole week! I'm really going to do it this time.
Have a great week everyone!
I will be meeting my midwife today at noon. I'm looking forward to having a midwife this time around. We had often talked about having one but never had luck finding someone close by. 5/6 hours away doesn't really put me at ease if something big comes up. I've had natural births with all the kids and many different experiences with Dr.s. Most of which I walked away from feeling annoyed or shamed for having more kids then THEY thought we should have. Dean and I have come to the conclusion that when my body can no long carry a child we will be done. Putting my womb in God's hands. After telling this to my Dr, at that time, she told me she was tempted to tell me my body couldn't handle anymore kids. (In a joking manor of course.) Very rude and unprofessional. I'm hoping we have a great experience with this midwife and I know she shares the same views about having children so that puts me at ease. When you have many kids you get a wide range of negative comments thrown at you often. I've learned to brush it off because I know they just don't see children as I do. A blessing. Yes, the freak me out some times, piss me off and make me scream, but at the end of the day I wouldn't trade them for anything, and thank God for each and every one of them.
I also have a meeting with one of our pastors about doing a charity run for CR (Celebrate Recover) I'm super excited about this. I'm hoping to hold a 5/10K to bring awareness and funds to our group. There is a lot more work that goes into getting something like this off the ground so I'm hoping I get a good group of people that can help me make this a success.
Well, for the rest of the day I'm going to stick to non cal drinks and then have a light supper so my sugar doesn't freak out again. I'm not going to make a solid plan for my eating because as you've noticed I don't really stick to them these days. So my loosely made plan is to have breakfast and then a light supper with a small snack on my running days. For the next week I'm also NOT going to binge or purge. For the whole week! I'm really going to do it this time.
Have a great week everyone!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
One of those Weeks
Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. Life has been crazy, I'm sick all the time, and I've been eating like crap. I've only purged once sense last Tuesday but have been binging off and on all week. I've also been spotting bright red off and on also which I think has helped with not purging . I'm a little freaked out about it. I never spot during a pregnancy except for when I had my miscarriage.
I was going to only have non calorie liquids today and tomorrow but in my brain damaged mind I had a large breakfast. So, now I will start and run off what I ate this morning.
I never have energy until after noon which makes it hard to get anything done. I have a list of stuff that must get done today and not motivation to do anything of it. I just want to sleep.
I feel like all I do is complain these days. I wish I could have a few good days in a row and have something good to talk about. Like having some freaking control over my eating and losing some weight. I still haven't been able to stick to the 1000 cals which was my goal. Makes me feel like a complete failure. I hate the way I look and I know I've gained. I've been to scared to weigh in though. I've been craving salty everything and I know I'm retaining water. My feet, hands, and face look like swishy marshmallows. I'm also showing quite a bit which isn't helping my feel good about myself. I feel like an Umpa Lumpa. Ick!
Anyone have any tips on how to NOT give in to craving and acting like a nasty pig? I really need to lost some weight. I know I'm going to gain with the pregnancy but because I'm heavier, I should be able to lose some also. I'd like to be 150 by the end of the pregnancy. With training for the half marathon this shouldn't be to hard, but ONLY if I can stop eating like a whale!
I was going to only have non calorie liquids today and tomorrow but in my brain damaged mind I had a large breakfast. So, now I will start and run off what I ate this morning.
I never have energy until after noon which makes it hard to get anything done. I have a list of stuff that must get done today and not motivation to do anything of it. I just want to sleep.
I feel like all I do is complain these days. I wish I could have a few good days in a row and have something good to talk about. Like having some freaking control over my eating and losing some weight. I still haven't been able to stick to the 1000 cals which was my goal. Makes me feel like a complete failure. I hate the way I look and I know I've gained. I've been to scared to weigh in though. I've been craving salty everything and I know I'm retaining water. My feet, hands, and face look like swishy marshmallows. I'm also showing quite a bit which isn't helping my feel good about myself. I feel like an Umpa Lumpa. Ick!
Anyone have any tips on how to NOT give in to craving and acting like a nasty pig? I really need to lost some weight. I know I'm going to gain with the pregnancy but because I'm heavier, I should be able to lose some also. I'd like to be 150 by the end of the pregnancy. With training for the half marathon this shouldn't be to hard, but ONLY if I can stop eating like a whale!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Weekend Fun
Morning sickness has kicked in. I really was hoping I wouldn't get it this time, but it seems that will not be the case. Maybe it will help me not binge all the time :-) Speaking of which, I binged/purged huge last night. I was shaking after. Ick. Well I'm off for a morning nap. Feel horrible.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Blah
I almost made it through the day yesterday. I ended up not running until 4:00pm and after my run I had supper. Then I continued to eat...everything. I will say that I did not binge of candy which is what I normally do but it was a binge non the less. A "healthy" food binge still made me feel like shit.
I told my Celebrate Recovery group that my goal was to not binge/purge for 1 week. I made it 2 1/2 days. Stupid. It was really hard not to purge. I wanted to so bad that I got dizzy. I went to bed shortly after eating and cried myself to sleep. One more disappointment. Once again letting people down. I'm tired of it. I wish I hadn't even told them.
I weighed myself this morning and to my surprise I didn't gain. That was a small encouragement I guess.
This weekend it's going to just be me and the kids. My husband is taking the weekend off to recharge. He never gets breaks so I'm very happy for him. He's always given ME the weekend breaks. However, I still found myself very jealous this morning and cranky with him. I felt bad that he left for his break on a bad note. I was crabby and some of the kids were crabby... Ugh.
I know the reason it's so hard for me this time. We had recently asked some friends to help us out and take the kids for us because we are both so very stressed. We have never, in our 11 years of marriage and kids have asked for a break from all the kids at once, for more then a weekend. It looked like it was going to happen and then found out a friend bailed on us. My friend should have told me from the start that it wouldn't work for her. but instead, kept implying that it might work and then at the last minute told us no. I had started to make plans for what I'd do for a whole week at the house child free. Now, totally disappointed, I'm working through my feels and trying to be happy for my husband who still gets to go away for a few days. Very jealous at the moment. I shouldn't have shown him just how annoyed I was and feel bad that I was pissed when he left. I know I have a break coming up. So shut up and be happy for him.
On a slightly happy note, my oldest will be on a church sleep over thing for the weekend. She is high stress in my life. She's only 11 but has been pre-teen and PMSing since she was 5. No joke. I get over whelmed with her quickly. Looking forward to her being gone for a few days.
So to continue me random ramblings, my plan for the day is to only have 1000 cals today. I ate so much yesterday evening that I feel full just thinking about it. I'm saving my cals for this evening when I have a friend over for supper and a movie. Homemade sweet and sour chicken with rice. I've never made it before so hopefully it's good.
Well, I'm done rambling now. Hope everyone has a great weekend.
Hugs!
I told my Celebrate Recovery group that my goal was to not binge/purge for 1 week. I made it 2 1/2 days. Stupid. It was really hard not to purge. I wanted to so bad that I got dizzy. I went to bed shortly after eating and cried myself to sleep. One more disappointment. Once again letting people down. I'm tired of it. I wish I hadn't even told them.
I weighed myself this morning and to my surprise I didn't gain. That was a small encouragement I guess.
This weekend it's going to just be me and the kids. My husband is taking the weekend off to recharge. He never gets breaks so I'm very happy for him. He's always given ME the weekend breaks. However, I still found myself very jealous this morning and cranky with him. I felt bad that he left for his break on a bad note. I was crabby and some of the kids were crabby... Ugh.
I know the reason it's so hard for me this time. We had recently asked some friends to help us out and take the kids for us because we are both so very stressed. We have never, in our 11 years of marriage and kids have asked for a break from all the kids at once, for more then a weekend. It looked like it was going to happen and then found out a friend bailed on us. My friend should have told me from the start that it wouldn't work for her. but instead, kept implying that it might work and then at the last minute told us no. I had started to make plans for what I'd do for a whole week at the house child free. Now, totally disappointed, I'm working through my feels and trying to be happy for my husband who still gets to go away for a few days. Very jealous at the moment. I shouldn't have shown him just how annoyed I was and feel bad that I was pissed when he left. I know I have a break coming up. So shut up and be happy for him.
On a slightly happy note, my oldest will be on a church sleep over thing for the weekend. She is high stress in my life. She's only 11 but has been pre-teen and PMSing since she was 5. No joke. I get over whelmed with her quickly. Looking forward to her being gone for a few days.
So to continue me random ramblings, my plan for the day is to only have 1000 cals today. I ate so much yesterday evening that I feel full just thinking about it. I'm saving my cals for this evening when I have a friend over for supper and a movie. Homemade sweet and sour chicken with rice. I've never made it before so hopefully it's good.
Well, I'm done rambling now. Hope everyone has a great weekend.
Hugs!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Numbers
ICK! I actually did the numbers on what I've been eating the past couple days, thinking I was doing pretty good, ummm, nope. ~sigh~ I've been trying to not count calories because numbers take over and make me freak out. I'm very disappointed in myself for eating so much. Especially sense I haven't been running.
I knew my peanut butter snack was high in cals but I was going to let it go because it's been keeping me from binging and taking in 2000/3000 in a sitting, but everything else has been high too. Maybe I've just been in denial. IDK
Peanut butter snack - 870
Yogurt cocktail - 470 (granola, flax, and wheat germ) Need to switch to a lower cal yogurt.
Breakfast including loaded coffee - 640 (need to go back to black coffee)
Apple - 95
Total - 2075! This is not counting supper if I have it. Now if I was running everyday this could be ok because I suppose to add in about 500 cals for baby, but this is still way more then I thought I was taking in. I feel so dumb! However, now I know so if I want to keep eating all this (which I thought wasn't much and have been enjoying all these things,) I MUST get back to training and evening adding some serious cross training.
There's no way I'm going to lose like this. I feel just icky having the numbers starring me in the face. Anyway, that's all I have for now. Time to get ready for a run! :-)
I knew my peanut butter snack was high in cals but I was going to let it go because it's been keeping me from binging and taking in 2000/3000 in a sitting, but everything else has been high too. Maybe I've just been in denial. IDK
Peanut butter snack - 870
Yogurt cocktail - 470 (granola, flax, and wheat germ) Need to switch to a lower cal yogurt.
Breakfast including loaded coffee - 640 (need to go back to black coffee)
Apple - 95
Total - 2075! This is not counting supper if I have it. Now if I was running everyday this could be ok because I suppose to add in about 500 cals for baby, but this is still way more then I thought I was taking in. I feel so dumb! However, now I know so if I want to keep eating all this (which I thought wasn't much and have been enjoying all these things,) I MUST get back to training and evening adding some serious cross training.
There's no way I'm going to lose like this. I feel just icky having the numbers starring me in the face. Anyway, that's all I have for now. Time to get ready for a run! :-)
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Feeling Good
Yesterday went really well. I ate "normal" and didn't binge or purge. It was great. I found this recipe that really helps with my sweet tooth and it's really healthy. It's called Peanut Butter Balls. I just eat it with a spoon instead of turning into cookie form.
1/2 cup nonfat dry milk
1/3 cup peanut butter
2 TBSP wheat germ
2 TBSP flax seed mill
1 to 2 TBSP honey
Mix it all together and enjoy. Eating this throughout the day has kept me from binging! I also put wheat germ and flax in my yogurt. It's very filling and full of vitamins.
I'm hoping to start training again tomorrow. My knee isn't hurting anymore and not exercising much is starting to drive me crazy. After being able to run for miles, doing crunches and leg lifts don't feel like much. I really should get some weights for cross training.
I'm planning to weigh in next Monday. Hopefully I can hold out that long. I would love to be 165 again...or less :-)
Well, I should go. Once again we haven't started school yet and it's almost noon. Good thing it doesn't take long. Hope everyone is having a good Tuesday.
1/2 cup nonfat dry milk
1/3 cup peanut butter
2 TBSP wheat germ
2 TBSP flax seed mill
1 to 2 TBSP honey
Mix it all together and enjoy. Eating this throughout the day has kept me from binging! I also put wheat germ and flax in my yogurt. It's very filling and full of vitamins.
I'm hoping to start training again tomorrow. My knee isn't hurting anymore and not exercising much is starting to drive me crazy. After being able to run for miles, doing crunches and leg lifts don't feel like much. I really should get some weights for cross training.
I'm planning to weigh in next Monday. Hopefully I can hold out that long. I would love to be 165 again...or less :-)
Well, I should go. Once again we haven't started school yet and it's almost noon. Good thing it doesn't take long. Hope everyone is having a good Tuesday.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Good Week
I'm feeling oddly optimistic this morning. Not sure why as yesterday was rough. Binged/purged twice and all around tired. I feel like this week is going to be a good one. I haven't really been sticking to my goals but I'm back into the 160s. 168, but I'll take it. Maybe that's why I'm feeling better. IDK
When I first got on here I though I had a lot to say, now I can't think of anything. I have PT for my knee in a couple hours and school with the kids. That's about it for the day. Guess I will post again when I have more to say. Happy Monday everyone!
When I first got on here I though I had a lot to say, now I can't think of anything. I have PT for my knee in a couple hours and school with the kids. That's about it for the day. Guess I will post again when I have more to say. Happy Monday everyone!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Well This is Interesting
There's never a dull moment around here. I just found out I'm pregnant. Took a test last night when I realized I was a couple days late. I had been spotting so I figured it was right around the corner, but it never came. Which also explains the random bouts of nausea I've had the past week. I though it was maybe do to the binging and purging so I didn't think anymore about it...until last night.
I definitely have mixed feelings. Yes, Dean and I are very happy to have another child on the way. However, with my ED out of control I'm a little worried. Will I be able to lose weight in a healthy way? What will happen if I can't stop the binge/purge cycle? How much does restricting hurt the baby? Maybe I'll magically be cured...haha I wish. The last time my ED was out of control I got pregnant shortly after. I don't know what happened but during that pregnancy I didn't seem to worry about my weight. I don't know if it will be that easy this time.
There's also the marathon I'm training for. I know you can run when pregnant but can you run 13 miles at 7 months along? haha This will be interesting to say the lest.
I definitely have mixed feelings. Yes, Dean and I are very happy to have another child on the way. However, with my ED out of control I'm a little worried. Will I be able to lose weight in a healthy way? What will happen if I can't stop the binge/purge cycle? How much does restricting hurt the baby? Maybe I'll magically be cured...haha I wish. The last time my ED was out of control I got pregnant shortly after. I don't know what happened but during that pregnancy I didn't seem to worry about my weight. I don't know if it will be that easy this time.
There's also the marathon I'm training for. I know you can run when pregnant but can you run 13 miles at 7 months along? haha This will be interesting to say the lest.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Empty
My stomach is empty, and it feels good. I took the day and just had liquids. I did have some calories with my coffee and juice but that's it. I didn't plan the day out, just simple hate food and what it's doing to my body. The hungry pains make me happy. It means I controlled myself...for once.
Stupid Failure
The title pretty much sums up myself. I can't stick to a plan to save my life. I am nothing but a FAILURE! I'm so ashamed of myself. I wish I could never eat again. I hate food yet love it so much. Stupid, fat, freaking loser! You deserve NOTHING! Worthless piece of crap is all you are. Never leave your house again then you will never have to embarrass the people you know with your presents. No one likes you, no one ever has, they just pretend to be your friend, but in reality your fatness freaks them out and they wish you were died. Just stop eating and die.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Hey...
The past couple days have been ok. Tuesday I did pretty good with my eating and didn't binge/purge but yesterday I did twice. Today is a new day and I'm trying to keep the mindset that it's a new day so just start over. However, I've sick of restarting! I know it's "one day at a time" but it's so frustrating. I'm all or nothing so trying to stay in the middle of the road is hard. If I restrict, it leads to a binge after a few days, if I eat "normally" it leads to a binge. ~sigh~ It seems everything leads to a binge. One thing I did figure out about myself is that the only time I purge is when I cheat on my diet. I don't have a desire to purge if I have a "normal" meal or snack. It's when I stray, even just a little from my diet plan, that sends me spinning out of control.
I also found out what is wrong with my knee. I have tendinitis, and swelling under the knee cap. Blah! My knee had been hurts for the last few days and I finally went in to see what was wrong. It got to the point where I could hardly walk, and running was out of the question. So now, I can't run for the next 10 to 14 days and need to "take it easy." haha sure. I'm going to take these couple weeks to really work on having low cal days and NOT binge/purge. can I make it 2 weeks?
Goal for the next 2 weeks:
No more then 1000 cals a day
No binging or purging
Find other ways to exercise everyday for at least half an hour to an hour
I also found out what is wrong with my knee. I have tendinitis, and swelling under the knee cap. Blah! My knee had been hurts for the last few days and I finally went in to see what was wrong. It got to the point where I could hardly walk, and running was out of the question. So now, I can't run for the next 10 to 14 days and need to "take it easy." haha sure. I'm going to take these couple weeks to really work on having low cal days and NOT binge/purge. can I make it 2 weeks?
Goal for the next 2 weeks:
No more then 1000 cals a day
No binging or purging
Find other ways to exercise everyday for at least half an hour to an hour
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
New Plan
I've decided I need to make a new plan. I've been thinking about my goals and this marathon I'm doing. Aim is right, I need to be eating more if I'm going to pull this off. However, a higher cal diet kinda freaks me out. These past few days have been hell with all the binging, thinking of continuing to eat alot really bothers me. How can I lose weight eating more?! So...here's the plan...I'm going to keep it simple. 1500/2000cals on running days and 1000cals the other days.
Man that seems like so much! But if I look at it from the binging side, this is like 1/4 of what I have been eating. ~sigh~ ...and ick! haha That's gross to think about. I've written up a base meal plan so there isn't much thinking about what I'm going to eat.
Breakfast: PB toast and a banana
Snack: Apple, a few triscits or wheat thins (these are high in fiber and are super yummy)
Lunch: Fish or chicken beast, veggies, a serving of V8 juice (the fruit and veggie blend)
Snack: Yogurt, a few triscits or wheat thins, or mixed nuts
Supper: 1/2 to 1 cup of whatever the main dish is for the night, a veggie
Another thing I need to do is reward myself when I hit my goal weights, and not reward with food. Any ideas for some fun rewards? I know clothes will be one. I'm in need of some new jeans but have been waiting to get to 150 for that. That's all I got. :-)
Here's to having a good week!
Man that seems like so much! But if I look at it from the binging side, this is like 1/4 of what I have been eating. ~sigh~ ...and ick! haha That's gross to think about. I've written up a base meal plan so there isn't much thinking about what I'm going to eat.
Breakfast: PB toast and a banana
Snack: Apple, a few triscits or wheat thins (these are high in fiber and are super yummy)
Lunch: Fish or chicken beast, veggies, a serving of V8 juice (the fruit and veggie blend)
Snack: Yogurt, a few triscits or wheat thins, or mixed nuts
Supper: 1/2 to 1 cup of whatever the main dish is for the night, a veggie
Another thing I need to do is reward myself when I hit my goal weights, and not reward with food. Any ideas for some fun rewards? I know clothes will be one. I'm in need of some new jeans but have been waiting to get to 150 for that. That's all I got. :-)
Here's to having a good week!
Monday, April 9, 2012
fucked Up and Tired
I haven't written the past few days because my husband has been home. There's really not much to say though. The last few days I haven't been able to stop eating. I'm tired, pissed, and hate myself. I'm not fitting into my clothes and I just want to die. I feel like a big giant bubbling fat monster. Don't get to close to me or I'll eat you. God! I want to scream at the top of my lungs! This is the same shit that happens all the time. I do really good for a while, lose some weight, and then spend days eating everything in site and gain all the weight back. I just want to be skinny. I'm so tired of being the fat one everywhere I go. however, it serves me right for eating so much.
I had a dream last night that I went to 3rd floor (the mental health unit) to get help but they said I was to fat so they would not help me. The dream lasted all night. I was stuck in this nightmare all night, then woke up only to find out I'm still in the nightmare. I'm so miserable. I'm so despite. I wish I could say I'd do anything but the truth is, I have no fucking will power to stick to any plan I make. I cry, pray, make plans, talk with friends, nothing works. I hate my fat miserable life.
I need to run, but I've taken so many days off that it is so hard to get started again. All I'll feels is my fat jiggling around. I can't take it today. I want to start the day over. I want to go back and wake up and NOT eating everything in site for the first hour of being awake. I want to wake up with that wonderful empty feeling and pray for strength to not eat all the leftover sweets from yesterday. To scrape all junk into the garbage instead of my mouth.
Well, that's all I got for now. Hope everyone is having a better Monday then me. Later.
I had a dream last night that I went to 3rd floor (the mental health unit) to get help but they said I was to fat so they would not help me. The dream lasted all night. I was stuck in this nightmare all night, then woke up only to find out I'm still in the nightmare. I'm so miserable. I'm so despite. I wish I could say I'd do anything but the truth is, I have no fucking will power to stick to any plan I make. I cry, pray, make plans, talk with friends, nothing works. I hate my fat miserable life.
I need to run, but I've taken so many days off that it is so hard to get started again. All I'll feels is my fat jiggling around. I can't take it today. I want to start the day over. I want to go back and wake up and NOT eating everything in site for the first hour of being awake. I want to wake up with that wonderful empty feeling and pray for strength to not eat all the leftover sweets from yesterday. To scrape all junk into the garbage instead of my mouth.
Well, that's all I got for now. Hope everyone is having a better Monday then me. Later.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Day 10
Today is a normal eating day. 1500cals. Seems like so much. But I need to keep up my strength while training for the marathon. I noticed with my last run is was slow and sluggish.
Last night was ok. I had a great time with my friend. I had half of a chicken wrap and a few fries. Then purged at the restaurant. While ordering I was so anxious and started getting hot flashes. It took everything I had to not eat it all because it was so good. The reason I purged was because I knew I had cheated on my diet and I couldn't handle all the thoughts and anxiety. Once it was out I felt great. Throwing up is getting easier. Not sure how I feel about that. I'm able to be quieter and it only takes a few minutes to empty my stomach.
I did tell Dean yesterday about the binging/purging I've been doing the past couple months. He didn't say much. I know he was processing the information and I'm sure by now he has a "plan" on how to deal with it. He's a fixer. I couldn't keep it a secret from him any longer. However, he do NOT know about this blog.
I was able to weigh myself this morning while Dean was in the shower. 165.4! I'm having a pretty good losing week. I was hoping to be under 160 by Easter, but oh well.
Well, I don't really have much to say as the day just started. I may update at the end of the day. Have a good day all!
Last night was ok. I had a great time with my friend. I had half of a chicken wrap and a few fries. Then purged at the restaurant. While ordering I was so anxious and started getting hot flashes. It took everything I had to not eat it all because it was so good. The reason I purged was because I knew I had cheated on my diet and I couldn't handle all the thoughts and anxiety. Once it was out I felt great. Throwing up is getting easier. Not sure how I feel about that. I'm able to be quieter and it only takes a few minutes to empty my stomach.
I did tell Dean yesterday about the binging/purging I've been doing the past couple months. He didn't say much. I know he was processing the information and I'm sure by now he has a "plan" on how to deal with it. He's a fixer. I couldn't keep it a secret from him any longer. However, he do NOT know about this blog.
I was able to weigh myself this morning while Dean was in the shower. 165.4! I'm having a pretty good losing week. I was hoping to be under 160 by Easter, but oh well.
Well, I don't really have much to say as the day just started. I may update at the end of the day. Have a good day all!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Day 9
9:45am...Woot woot! I'm out of the 170's! I weighed myself last night at my mom's and it was 168.4. Evening weight with clothes on. I know that's still high, but I'm happy with the loss. The true test will be when I get to 160. I've gotten close to that and then gained 10/15lbs back. I've done it twice in the last couple months. Very frustrating. I know where the scale is right now but I never get to do a good naked morning weigh in because there isn't enough time in the morning, as Dean hides the scale on me. Ohhh, I could weigh in the middle of the night some time...Ha! Anyway, I will get to officially weigh in Easter morning. I only get to weigh myself every couple weeks. It drives me crazy!
Today is a liquid day and I found a trick to staying hydrated and drink my juice, (fruit and veggie juice). Freeze it. Then it feels more like drinking an icy, or ice cream if I let it harden all the way. A lot of times drinking juice is just too sweet when I've had nothing but water all day, but for some reason it hits the spot frozen. Makes me happy.
It's running day. I'm feeling kinda lazy so I don't feel like running. Hopefully I'll feel up to it this afternoon. I normally wait to run until noonish because then it's quiet time for the kids and I feel better about leaving them home along for an hour. They sit around reading or watching tv. No fighting most of the time which makes me happy. There's nothing worse then coming back from a good run only to be flooded with tattle tales and whining.
Well, time to get some stuff done. House is trashed :-/
3:05...Cleaned up a bit and then went for a run. Didn't do well but I don't care. I still pulled 5 miles just at a slower pace. Some days are like that. Not going to stress it.
Like a dork I forgot that a friend was taking me out for supper and I already had my one meal for the day. Dang it. Hopefully she'll be ok with me skipping it if I just explain the TLT course I'm doing. Because it's a Christ centered program, in the eyes of my friends, it's an acceptable way to restrict. heehee Not that I'm entirely trying to be sneaking...ok, maybe I am...for some people.
Holy Crap!! As I was writing I hear my kids screaming Fire! Get water! I kinda thought they were playing even though they have been taught never to scream fire unless it's for real...Well, it was real. Just now! Dean was burning the grass by the old garage and it got out of control. I just spent the last 15 minutes filling every large bowl with water and sending them out with the kids to put it out! Totally crazy. All is fine now and the garage is still standing. yay! I have to say, I'm very proud of my kids. We are always on them about team work and needing to work together but I never thought it sunk in. Well, they have blown me away with how they worked together. If it hadn't been for their quick feet and team work, we would have had to call the fire department.
Stressing supper with my friend now seems like such a silly thing. Thank you God for your hand over our yard! Hope everyone has a wonderful day. For the rest of the day, count your blessing, not your cals :-)
Today is a liquid day and I found a trick to staying hydrated and drink my juice, (fruit and veggie juice). Freeze it. Then it feels more like drinking an icy, or ice cream if I let it harden all the way. A lot of times drinking juice is just too sweet when I've had nothing but water all day, but for some reason it hits the spot frozen. Makes me happy.
It's running day. I'm feeling kinda lazy so I don't feel like running. Hopefully I'll feel up to it this afternoon. I normally wait to run until noonish because then it's quiet time for the kids and I feel better about leaving them home along for an hour. They sit around reading or watching tv. No fighting most of the time which makes me happy. There's nothing worse then coming back from a good run only to be flooded with tattle tales and whining.
Well, time to get some stuff done. House is trashed :-/
3:05...Cleaned up a bit and then went for a run. Didn't do well but I don't care. I still pulled 5 miles just at a slower pace. Some days are like that. Not going to stress it.
Like a dork I forgot that a friend was taking me out for supper and I already had my one meal for the day. Dang it. Hopefully she'll be ok with me skipping it if I just explain the TLT course I'm doing. Because it's a Christ centered program, in the eyes of my friends, it's an acceptable way to restrict. heehee Not that I'm entirely trying to be sneaking...ok, maybe I am...for some people.
Holy Crap!! As I was writing I hear my kids screaming Fire! Get water! I kinda thought they were playing even though they have been taught never to scream fire unless it's for real...Well, it was real. Just now! Dean was burning the grass by the old garage and it got out of control. I just spent the last 15 minutes filling every large bowl with water and sending them out with the kids to put it out! Totally crazy. All is fine now and the garage is still standing. yay! I have to say, I'm very proud of my kids. We are always on them about team work and needing to work together but I never thought it sunk in. Well, they have blown me away with how they worked together. If it hadn't been for their quick feet and team work, we would have had to call the fire department.
Stressing supper with my friend now seems like such a silly thing. Thank you God for your hand over our yard! Hope everyone has a wonderful day. For the rest of the day, count your blessing, not your cals :-)
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Day 8
Fucked up. That's always a good way to start a post. It's a half day and it seems like those are the hardest. I had eaten all my cals by 2:00pm. Stupid. I'm just so freaking hungry today.
So, all the kids go out to play and it's just me and the quiet. Bad combo. It didn't take me long to find myself locked in the bedroom with a ton of junk food stuffing my face. Yes, I purged. 2500/3000 cals was NOT going to stay down. I hate throwing up but I knew I had to.
Normally after a mess up I take the rest of the day to continue to binge. I already screwed up so I'll just restart tomorrow. That's my normal thinking. However, I'm not going to do that. Nothing but water or tea for the rest of the day.
Hope everyone else is having a better day then me.
So, all the kids go out to play and it's just me and the quiet. Bad combo. It didn't take me long to find myself locked in the bedroom with a ton of junk food stuffing my face. Yes, I purged. 2500/3000 cals was NOT going to stay down. I hate throwing up but I knew I had to.
Normally after a mess up I take the rest of the day to continue to binge. I already screwed up so I'll just restart tomorrow. That's my normal thinking. However, I'm not going to do that. Nothing but water or tea for the rest of the day.
Hope everyone else is having a better day then me.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Running, Running, Running
The past couple months I got back into running, (after taking a couple years off) and decided to train for a half marathon September 29th. I love running! It's a wonderful stress release and gives me time to not think about anything. I went from hardly being able to run for 1 minute straight the middle of February, to running 5 miles in under an hour! Today I ran almost 6 miles. 14 minute run with a 1 min walk, and did that 4 times. I'm very happy with how my running is going. Hopefully I'll be able to feel good about what I see in the mirror one day.
Day 7
This weekend was ok. Saturday I did really good with my food, but yesterday wasn't the greatest. It was a half day and it was a struggle. My stomach was upset until late afternoon so I didn't eat anything. Then by about 3 I was starving. It took everything I had not to binge. I had a healthy snack, prayed, read my bible, talked with Dean, everything I could think of. I made it through supper but then we had a marshmallow roast with the kids and because the kids know I love the burnt marshmallows, they kept sharing with me. I was only going to have 2, and it ended up to be...idk 10, 15? Stupid, stupid, stupid! I wanted to binge after that. I was so mad at myself. However, I ended up not binging but I still felt like crap for eating so many marshmallows.
This morning I feel like I already messed up. First, I slept in, then instead of spending a few minutes in prayer I went and had breakfast. Doing things in that order just seems to mess me up for the day. Today is a liquids day and it says I can have one solid meal, (which I was planning to skip) but I felt like I ate just because I was so hungry and not with any control. So now I feel like a big pig and am ready to not eat anything else for the day.
I also have a hard time eating on the days I don't run. I think that's what made yesterday so hard. I felt like it was all going to turn into bubbling fat. When I run and am burning 1500-2500 cals, I feel like it's safe to eat. So I really shouldn't be stressing breakfast because it's a running day. 3-5 miles.
Well, I should really go. We have 3 extra kids for a few days, I need to make laundry soap, prep the meals for the day, and clean up a bit.
This morning I feel like I already messed up. First, I slept in, then instead of spending a few minutes in prayer I went and had breakfast. Doing things in that order just seems to mess me up for the day. Today is a liquids day and it says I can have one solid meal, (which I was planning to skip) but I felt like I ate just because I was so hungry and not with any control. So now I feel like a big pig and am ready to not eat anything else for the day.
I also have a hard time eating on the days I don't run. I think that's what made yesterday so hard. I felt like it was all going to turn into bubbling fat. When I run and am burning 1500-2500 cals, I feel like it's safe to eat. So I really shouldn't be stressing breakfast because it's a running day. 3-5 miles.
Well, I should really go. We have 3 extra kids for a few days, I need to make laundry soap, prep the meals for the day, and clean up a bit.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
My Journey To Thin
The past few months have been a roller coaster of weight loss hell. I can't seem to get a handle on moderation. I'm either restricting or binging/purging. I hate throwing up so I try to just not eat but then I end up caving after a few days and eat everything in sight. The past month I started purging after binging. Something I haven't done in years. I hate what it does to my teeth, my throat, and everything else. Yet I can't seem to stop myself if I go on a big binge. I'd rather just have the will power to not eat...ever.
I just restarted The Lord's Table Course which is a Christ centered eating program which focuses on seeking God in times of temptation instead of just "will power." I'm not doing the full course just the meal plan. I'm on day 5 without messing up which is awesome because I always cave on day 3. Here is the plan. It's a 60 day course. I'm hoping to complete it without screwing up. I took a few days off due to holidays and my weekend off but other then that I'm sticking to it. I WILL be thin but the time we go camping the beginning of June.
2 half days (3 meals with portions divided in half) 750 cals
2 liquid days (one regular solid meal and liquids through the rest of the day) ...Funny, I just saw that I could have one regular meal on these days. haha I think I'll skip the meal anyway. Liquids can be broth, juice, tea, water. No soda, coffee, protein shakes, or alcohol.
2 normal days (without overeating) I give myself 1500 cals these days
1 fast day. Only water. Small supper to break the fast.
The rule is to not have two of the same days back to back. This is what I'm doing.
Half day
Liquids day
Normal day
Fast day
Normal day
Half day
Liquids day
I had started the abc diet but then switched over to this one. I don't know why I switched, but I did. I don't think it matters that much. It's still going to be hard as hell.
I just restarted The Lord's Table Course which is a Christ centered eating program which focuses on seeking God in times of temptation instead of just "will power." I'm not doing the full course just the meal plan. I'm on day 5 without messing up which is awesome because I always cave on day 3. Here is the plan. It's a 60 day course. I'm hoping to complete it without screwing up. I took a few days off due to holidays and my weekend off but other then that I'm sticking to it. I WILL be thin but the time we go camping the beginning of June.
2 half days (3 meals with portions divided in half) 750 cals
2 liquid days (one regular solid meal and liquids through the rest of the day) ...Funny, I just saw that I could have one regular meal on these days. haha I think I'll skip the meal anyway. Liquids can be broth, juice, tea, water. No soda, coffee, protein shakes, or alcohol.
2 normal days (without overeating) I give myself 1500 cals these days
1 fast day. Only water. Small supper to break the fast.
The rule is to not have two of the same days back to back. This is what I'm doing.
Half day
Liquids day
Normal day
Fast day
Normal day
Half day
Liquids day
I had started the abc diet but then switched over to this one. I don't know why I switched, but I did. I don't think it matters that much. It's still going to be hard as hell.
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