The Month of July

This last month has been hell! I have struggled so much with my bi-polar and temper it's been kinda scary. I hate who I become when I'm in a low. I'm mean, nasty, bitchy, and all around crazy. If I was on my own this wouldn't be that big of a deal. I could just lock myself up until it passes. However, with a husband and kids it's not that easy. My kids have been walking an eggshells all month. I hate this. I hate the fact that I know there are many times my kids simply fear me. Not the good healthy fear kids should have for parents but the kind that keeps them from coming into the same room with me because they don't know if I'll snap and yell at them for simply breathing to loudly.

I haven't been able to take my meds regularly because of the morning sickness, (which I think is finally over,) so I'm hoping my moods will level off and I can start to feel a little more sane. My husband has been great through all this and is great about stepping up when I'm falling apart. Thank God for that or this house would be a horrid freak show in line for the next LifeTime movie!

My moods are starting to level off a bit and life is feeling a little bit more normal this past week. Kids are feeling safer and husband is happy. Things are looking up.

I have some exciting news. Starting this Saturday all 8 of my kids will be gone for a full week!!!! No joke. I'm so freaking excited I can hardly stand it. Dean and I have not had a break away from all the kids in years, let alone a full week. There are so many things we want to do that I'm pretty sure we won't be able to do them all. I will have a lot of time on my hands during the week as Dean will still have work but I'm ok with that. I have a pretty good list of stuff that I want to do on my own too. Ohhhh man, I can't wait!

The one thing that has been ok this month has been my eating. That's so weird to say! I've really not had much of an appetite and when I do, I crave fruits and veggies, not chocolate and ice cream. In fact, there have been a few times where Dean and I are sitting down for a show and he's pigging out on ice cream and I'm eating a bowl of carrots! Right now at this very moment there are a pan of super yummy brownies in the fridge that I haven't since last night and even that was a pretty small piece!

I've been try to work on finding the little positives in the hell of life even if it's the smallest thing, like the kids didn't scream for ten seconds today. lol Yes, sometimes that's all I get.

Well, that's all I have for now. Hopefully I'll start posting more and a little more happy then my last few blogs. Hope everyone in blogger land is doing good!

I Did It!

Ok, I know making it one day isn't something to really celebrate, but for me it is...at least right now. I've made so many plans and never stick to any of them. I've very happy I made it one day. I know I'll make it though today also. We will be going to see family today and the food they make is never that good so I'm not stressed about eating bad. I had breakfast and will have my water and tea, then supper. Hope everyone has a wonderful 4th!

Yesterday and Today

Yesterday I was so bi-polar. Bluh! I'm still feeling a little down but doing better. I don't know what happened yesterday that set me off. I know the heat was part of it. It was like all my failures were slammed in my face without any warning. I just couldn't deal with it all. When my husband got home I broke down. He let me go to bed early and he took care of the kids for the night. It seems like everything I suck at comes down to my weight. I could homeschool the kids better if I was thin and in shape. I'd have the energy to keep up with them and not burn out at noon. My friends would want to hang out with me if I wasn't fat and embarrassing to be seen in public with. My husband would want me if I wasn't a big tub of lard. I'd be able to lead my CR group better if I wasn't such a damn hypocrite. The list goes on and on.

I know that being pregnant plays a part in how I feel but I'm tired of it taking my body completely. I know and read about all these large family mothers that have it all together and always have a great body. Am I the only large family fat mom out there?! It makes me so angry. How is it that they can push out 10 kids and still be in a size 8? Really? I miss when I was 150 and would get people saying, "there is no way you've had 7 kids!" I loved those comments. It made me feel like I could do anything. Then, I get pregnant and it all went away. I wasn't even able to get back down there after I had S. I'm one of those that gain 60lbs no matter what I do during the pregnancy. And now, I'm doing it all again.

I've tried everything to lose some of the weight I've gained already with this pregnancy but nothing works. It's like my body is out to get me. The only exercise I can do is walking, (which kills because before I got pregnant I was running 5/6miles,) and because of my sugar levels always dropping if feels like I'm eating all the time. I think I just need to restrict and deal with feeling like shit. I feel like shit either way so I might as well get something out of it.

Starting over. Breakfast and supper. That's it. Goal is to make it through the week on this plan.

Depressed

I haven't been doing well lately. I'm depressed and completely miserable. I hate everything about myself and wish I would die. Why be alive if you just suck at everything? I'm a pathitic wife, mother, and women. the only thing I hear is "just die you disgusting fat piece of shit."