My Somewhat Secret Life: Empty

Friday, April 13, 2012

Empty

My stomach is empty, and it feels good. I took the day and just had liquids. I did have some calories with my coffee and juice but that's it. I didn't plan the day out, just simple hate food and what it's doing to my body. The hungry pains make me happy. It means I controlled myself...for once.

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About Me (long version)

I'm 29, I've been married for 11 years, and have 8 wonderful children. When I was 14/15 I became anorexic/bulimia. I don't remember just how thin I became but Dean (my husband) told me if I wore a tight shirt you could see my ribs. Oh how I wish that was the case now...Anyway, I was in a lot of bad relationships and into drugs, drinking and partying like the world was coming to an end.

At 17 I became pregnant with my first child. Shortly after my 18th birthday Dean and I got married, finished high school, got our own place, and continued to have kids. I gained a lot of weight having kids. Eating for 2 really isn't necessary, the weight doesn't melt off like people say, nursing or not. I gave in to every craving and enjoyed feeling full. I gained, and gained, and gained. I became a disgusting ball of bubbling fat. I couldn't move well, had trouble even walking, and forget about playing with the kids. After number 4 I hit my highest weight. I've slowly lost over the years and stayed around 230/250.

After my 7th baby I got into running and lost alot of weight quickly. I got down to 150 and then my eating disorder kicked back in. I had baby 8 and went back up to 230ish. I've worked to lose the weight again and am down to 170/175 but I still have a long way to go. All I can think about is numbers. The scale, calories, how much I burn when I run, and FOOD FOOD FOOD. I hate it.

So, now I'm trying to lose all the disgusting fat that has invaded my body. I know there is a beautiful girl under all this nastiness. Here is my journey to find that girl.