My Somewhat Secret Life: fucked Up and Tired

Monday, April 9, 2012

fucked Up and Tired

I haven't written the past few days because my husband has been home. There's really not much to say though. The last few days I haven't been able to stop eating. I'm tired, pissed, and hate myself. I'm not fitting into my clothes and I just want to die. I feel like a big giant bubbling fat monster. Don't get to close to me or I'll eat you. God! I want to scream at the top of my lungs! This is the same shit that happens all the time. I do really good for a while, lose some weight, and then spend days eating everything in site and gain all the weight back. I just want to be skinny. I'm so tired of being the fat one everywhere I go. however, it serves me right for eating so much.

I had a dream last night that I went to 3rd floor (the mental health unit) to get help but they said I was to fat so they would not help me. The dream lasted all night. I was stuck in this nightmare all night, then woke up only to find out I'm still in the nightmare. I'm so miserable. I'm so despite. I wish I could say I'd do anything but the truth is, I have no fucking will power to stick to any plan I make. I cry, pray, make plans, talk with friends, nothing works. I hate my fat miserable life.

I need to run, but I've taken so many days off that it is so hard to get started again. All I'll feels is my fat jiggling around. I can't take it today. I want to start the day over. I want to go back and wake up and NOT eating everything in site for the first hour of being awake. I want to wake up with that wonderful empty feeling and pray for strength to not eat all the leftover sweets from yesterday. To scrape all junk into the garbage instead of my mouth.

Well, that's all I got for now. Hope everyone is having a better Monday then me. Later.

3 comments:

Katie ElizabethApril 9, 2012 at 3:04 PM
I'm sorry you're having such a miserable day sweetie. Maybe you should get a weight loss buddy. They are fantastic. Please try to have a better day.
XOXO
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AnonymousApril 9, 2012 at 10:49 PM
Sorry to hear that your Monday didn't go as planned. Mine didn't either :/ Damn leftovers from Easter! But remember, tomorrow is a new day, and you can always make a fresh start :)
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About Me (long version)

I'm 29, I've been married for 11 years, and have 8 wonderful children. When I was 14/15 I became anorexic/bulimia. I don't remember just how thin I became but Dean (my husband) told me if I wore a tight shirt you could see my ribs. Oh how I wish that was the case now...Anyway, I was in a lot of bad relationships and into drugs, drinking and partying like the world was coming to an end.

At 17 I became pregnant with my first child. Shortly after my 18th birthday Dean and I got married, finished high school, got our own place, and continued to have kids. I gained a lot of weight having kids. Eating for 2 really isn't necessary, the weight doesn't melt off like people say, nursing or not. I gave in to every craving and enjoyed feeling full. I gained, and gained, and gained. I became a disgusting ball of bubbling fat. I couldn't move well, had trouble even walking, and forget about playing with the kids. After number 4 I hit my highest weight. I've slowly lost over the years and stayed around 230/250.

After my 7th baby I got into running and lost alot of weight quickly. I got down to 150 and then my eating disorder kicked back in. I had baby 8 and went back up to 230ish. I've worked to lose the weight again and am down to 170/175 but I still have a long way to go. All I can think about is numbers. The scale, calories, how much I burn when I run, and FOOD FOOD FOOD. I hate it.

So, now I'm trying to lose all the disgusting fat that has invaded my body. I know there is a beautiful girl under all this nastiness. Here is my journey to find that girl.