My Somewhat Secret Life: Day 7

Monday, April 2, 2012

Day 7

This weekend was ok. Saturday I did really good with my food, but yesterday wasn't the greatest. It was a half day and it was a struggle. My stomach was upset until late afternoon so I didn't eat anything. Then by about 3 I was starving. It took everything I had not to binge. I had a healthy snack, prayed, read my bible, talked with Dean, everything I could think of. I made it through supper but then we had a marshmallow roast with the kids and because the kids know I love the burnt marshmallows, they kept sharing with me. I was only going to have 2, and it ended up to be...idk 10, 15? Stupid, stupid, stupid! I wanted to binge after that. I was so mad at myself. However, I ended up not binging but I still felt like crap for eating so many marshmallows.

This morning I feel like I already messed up. First, I slept in, then instead of spending a few minutes in prayer I went and had breakfast. Doing things in that order just seems to mess me up for the day. Today is a liquids day and it says I can have one solid meal, (which I was planning to skip) but I felt like I ate just because I was so hungry and not with any control. So now I feel like a big pig and am ready to not eat anything else for the day.

I also have a hard time eating on the days I don't run. I think that's what made yesterday so hard. I felt like it was all going to turn into bubbling fat. When I run and am burning 1500-2500 cals, I feel like it's safe to eat. So I really shouldn't be stressing breakfast because it's a running day. 3-5 miles.

Well, I should really go. We have 3 extra kids for a few days, I need to make laundry soap, prep the meals for the day, and clean up a bit.

3 comments:

Katie ElizabethApril 2, 2012 at 12:26 PM
I look forward to reading your blog. If you need any support or someone to talk to, I'm here. I know how crazy and hectic life can be with kiddos. We can be weight loss friends =) Stay strong.
XOXO
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April 2, 2012 at 1:28 PM
Hey Katie, that sounds great. I'm always looking for people that can truly relate to what I'm dealing with. Sadly, it's a short list. Did you notice we have the same backround on our blogs? haha Totally didn't copy you. I felt like a nerd once I notices. :-)
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About Me (long version)

I'm 29, I've been married for 11 years, and have 8 wonderful children. When I was 14/15 I became anorexic/bulimia. I don't remember just how thin I became but Dean (my husband) told me if I wore a tight shirt you could see my ribs. Oh how I wish that was the case now...Anyway, I was in a lot of bad relationships and into drugs, drinking and partying like the world was coming to an end.

At 17 I became pregnant with my first child. Shortly after my 18th birthday Dean and I got married, finished high school, got our own place, and continued to have kids. I gained a lot of weight having kids. Eating for 2 really isn't necessary, the weight doesn't melt off like people say, nursing or not. I gave in to every craving and enjoyed feeling full. I gained, and gained, and gained. I became a disgusting ball of bubbling fat. I couldn't move well, had trouble even walking, and forget about playing with the kids. After number 4 I hit my highest weight. I've slowly lost over the years and stayed around 230/250.

After my 7th baby I got into running and lost alot of weight quickly. I got down to 150 and then my eating disorder kicked back in. I had baby 8 and went back up to 230ish. I've worked to lose the weight again and am down to 170/175 but I still have a long way to go. All I can think about is numbers. The scale, calories, how much I burn when I run, and FOOD FOOD FOOD. I hate it.

So, now I'm trying to lose all the disgusting fat that has invaded my body. I know there is a beautiful girl under all this nastiness. Here is my journey to find that girl.