My Somewhat Secret Life: Day 8

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Day 8

Fucked up. That's always a good way to start a post. It's a half day and it seems like those are the hardest. I had eaten all my cals by 2:00pm. Stupid. I'm just so freaking hungry today.

So, all the kids go out to play and it's just me and the quiet. Bad combo. It didn't take me long to find myself locked in the bedroom with a ton of junk food stuffing my face. Yes, I purged. 2500/3000 cals was NOT going to stay down. I hate throwing up but I knew I had to.

Normally after a mess up I take the rest of the day to continue to binge. I already screwed up so I'll just restart tomorrow. That's my normal thinking. However, I'm not going to do that. Nothing but water or tea for the rest of the day.

Hope everyone else is having a better day then me.

1 comment:

Katie ElizabethApril 3, 2012 at 3:51 PM
I'm sorry you had a bad day =( My binges are so much different than others. My average binge is 400-500 calories because on a daily basis, I always eat something that is 150 or less. Like I said in your email, I just purge everything. I'm sorry today was tough. I hope you have a better evening.
XOXO
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About Me (long version)

I'm 29, I've been married for 11 years, and have 8 wonderful children. When I was 14/15 I became anorexic/bulimia. I don't remember just how thin I became but Dean (my husband) told me if I wore a tight shirt you could see my ribs. Oh how I wish that was the case now...Anyway, I was in a lot of bad relationships and into drugs, drinking and partying like the world was coming to an end.

At 17 I became pregnant with my first child. Shortly after my 18th birthday Dean and I got married, finished high school, got our own place, and continued to have kids. I gained a lot of weight having kids. Eating for 2 really isn't necessary, the weight doesn't melt off like people say, nursing or not. I gave in to every craving and enjoyed feeling full. I gained, and gained, and gained. I became a disgusting ball of bubbling fat. I couldn't move well, had trouble even walking, and forget about playing with the kids. After number 4 I hit my highest weight. I've slowly lost over the years and stayed around 230/250.

After my 7th baby I got into running and lost alot of weight quickly. I got down to 150 and then my eating disorder kicked back in. I had baby 8 and went back up to 230ish. I've worked to lose the weight again and am down to 170/175 but I still have a long way to go. All I can think about is numbers. The scale, calories, how much I burn when I run, and FOOD FOOD FOOD. I hate it.

So, now I'm trying to lose all the disgusting fat that has invaded my body. I know there is a beautiful girl under all this nastiness. Here is my journey to find that girl.