Almost There

It's 4:00am on Sunday and I can't sleep. Tossted and turned for hours and finally got up about twenty minutes ago because I was tired of just lieing there. We have church at 9:30 and then going to a new friends place at 1:00, and I know I'll be crashing soon. I don't know what is going on. I feel tired but just can't sleep.

I've almost made it one week without binging or purging. Tuesday will make it a week. The morning sickness has really helped with my sweet cravings. everything seems icky right now. I've been wanting more fruits and veggies the past few days too.

One weird thing that happened the other day (which I'm told doesn't count as a binge) was that I binged in my sleep. Let me explain the craziness. I take seroquel for my bi-polar and one of the side affects is drowsiness. However, I do not get "drowsy." I get stone drunk tired. I hate it. Well the other night I got up to go to the bathroom, which I vaguely remember doing. When I woke up that morning I thought to myself that I must have really wanted donuts because I had dreamt about eating them. I went into the kitchen to get breakfast going and found 4 donuts gone! How funny is that? So much for dreaming about donuts. haha

Can't think of much else to talk about right now. Tired and want to sleep.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend!

Ick

I'm feeling kinda icky this morning. My blood sugar has been dropping so low and quickly I almost pass out and feel disoriented. Last night I was at the store with my oldest daughter and my sugar dropped. At one point I wasn't sure I'd be able to drive home. I somehow found the nerve and we made it home. I munched on strawberries all the way home. When I got home I have some more fruit and some veggies and felt much better. I did make it all the without eating and only drinking non calorie drinks but by the end of the night my body said no more. I forget about my blood sugar problems with my pregnancies until it dropped last night. I felt horrible. This morning I was feeling ok and got up early to make french toast for everyone and about an hour in my sugar levels dropped. I ended up have a piece of french toast and coffee with a little creamer in it. Then took a nap. I hope the rest of the day goes better.

I will be meeting my midwife today at noon. I'm looking forward to having a midwife this time around. We had often talked about having one but never had luck finding someone close by. 5/6 hours away doesn't really put me at ease if something big comes up. I've had natural births with all the kids and many different experiences with Dr.s. Most of which I walked away from feeling annoyed or shamed for having more kids then THEY thought we should have. Dean and I have come to the conclusion that when my body can no long carry a child we will be done. Putting my womb in God's hands. After telling this to my Dr, at that time, she told me she was tempted to tell me my body couldn't handle anymore kids. (In a joking manor of course.) Very rude and unprofessional. I'm hoping we have a great experience with this midwife and I know she shares the same views about having children so that puts me at ease. When you have many kids you get a wide range of negative comments thrown at you often. I've learned to brush it off because I know they just don't see children as I do. A blessing. Yes, the freak me out some times, piss me off and make me scream, but at the end of the day I wouldn't trade them for anything, and thank God for each and every one of them.

I also have a meeting with one of our pastors about doing a charity run for CR (Celebrate Recover) I'm super excited about this. I'm hoping to hold a 5/10K to bring awareness and funds to our group. There is a lot more work that goes into getting something like this off the ground so I'm hoping I get a good group of people that can help me make this a success.

Well, for the rest of the day I'm going to stick to non cal drinks and then have a light supper so my sugar doesn't freak out again. I'm not going to make a solid plan for my eating because as you've noticed I don't really stick to them these days. So my loosely made plan is to have breakfast and then a light supper with a small snack on my running days. For the next week I'm also NOT going to binge or purge. For the whole week! I'm really going to do it this time.

Have a great week everyone!

One of those Weeks

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. Life has been crazy, I'm sick all the time, and I've been eating like crap. I've only purged once sense last Tuesday but have been binging off and on all week. I've also been spotting bright red off and on also which I think has helped with not purging . I'm a little freaked out about it. I never spot during a pregnancy except for when I had my miscarriage.

I was going to only have non calorie liquids today and tomorrow but in my brain damaged mind I had a large breakfast. So, now I will start and run off what I ate this morning.

I never have energy until after noon which makes it hard to get anything done. I have a list of stuff that must get done today and not motivation to do anything of it. I just want to sleep.

I feel like all I do is complain these days. I wish I could have a few good days in a row and have something good to talk about. Like having some freaking control over my eating and losing some weight. I still haven't been able to stick to the 1000 cals which was my goal. Makes me feel like a complete failure. I hate the way I look and I know I've gained. I've been to scared to weigh in though. I've been craving salty everything and I know I'm retaining water. My feet, hands, and face look like swishy marshmallows. I'm also showing quite a bit which isn't helping my feel good about myself. I feel like an Umpa Lumpa. Ick!

Anyone have any tips on how to NOT give in to craving and acting like a nasty pig? I really need to lost some weight. I know I'm going to gain with the pregnancy but because I'm heavier, I should be able to lose some also. I'd like to be 150 by the end of the pregnancy. With training for the half marathon this shouldn't be to hard, but ONLY if I can stop eating like a whale!

Weekend Fun

Morning sickness has kicked in. I really was hoping I wouldn't get it this time, but it seems that will not be the case. Maybe it will help me not binge all the time :-) Speaking of which, I binged/purged huge last night. I was shaking after. Ick. Well I'm off for a morning nap. Feel horrible.

Blah

I almost made it through the day yesterday. I ended up not running until 4:00pm and after my run I had supper. Then I continued to eat...everything. I will say that I did not binge of candy which is what I normally do but it was a binge non the less. A "healthy" food binge still made me feel like shit.

I told my Celebrate Recovery group that my goal was to not binge/purge for 1 week. I made it 2 1/2 days. Stupid. It was really hard not to purge. I wanted to so bad that I got dizzy. I went to bed shortly after eating and cried myself to sleep. One more disappointment. Once again letting people down. I'm tired of it. I wish I hadn't even told them.

I weighed myself this morning and to my surprise I didn't gain. That was a small encouragement I guess.

This weekend it's going to just be me and the kids. My husband is taking the weekend off to recharge. He never gets breaks so I'm very happy for him. He's always given ME the weekend breaks. However, I still found myself very jealous this morning and cranky with him. I felt bad that he left for his break on a bad note. I was crabby and some of the kids were crabby... Ugh.

I know the reason it's so hard for me this time. We had recently asked some friends to help us out and take the kids for us because we are both so very stressed. We have never, in our 11 years of marriage and kids have asked for a break from all the kids at once, for more then a weekend. It looked like it was going to happen and then found out a friend bailed on us. My friend should have told me from the start that it wouldn't work for her. but instead, kept implying that it might work and then at the last minute told us no. I had started to make plans for what I'd do for a whole week at the house child free. Now, totally disappointed, I'm working through my feels and trying to be happy for my husband who still gets to go away for a few days. Very jealous at the moment. I shouldn't have shown him just how annoyed I was and feel bad that I was pissed when he left. I know I have a break coming up. So shut up and be happy for him.

On a slightly happy note, my oldest will be on a church sleep over thing for the weekend. She is high stress in my life. She's only 11 but has been pre-teen and PMSing since she was 5. No joke. I get over whelmed with her quickly. Looking forward to her being gone for a few days.

So to continue me random ramblings, my plan for the day is to only have 1000 cals today. I ate so much yesterday evening that I feel full just thinking about it. I'm saving my cals for this evening when I have a friend over for supper and a movie. Homemade sweet and sour chicken with rice. I've never made it before so hopefully it's good.

Well, I'm done rambling now. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Hugs!

Numbers

ICK! I actually did the numbers on what I've been eating the past couple days, thinking I was doing pretty good, ummm, nope. ~sigh~ I've been trying to not count calories because numbers take over and make me freak out. I'm very disappointed in myself for eating so much. Especially sense I haven't been running.

I knew my peanut butter snack was high in cals but I was going to let it go because it's been keeping me from binging and taking in 2000/3000 in a sitting, but everything else has been high too. Maybe I've just been in denial. IDK

Peanut butter snack - 870
Yogurt cocktail - 470 (granola, flax, and wheat germ) Need to switch to a lower cal yogurt.
Breakfast including loaded coffee - 640 (need to go back to black coffee)
Apple - 95

Total - 2075! This is not counting supper if I have it. Now if I was running everyday this could be ok because I suppose to add in about 500 cals for baby, but this is still way more then I thought I was taking in. I feel so dumb! However, now I know so if I want to keep eating all this (which I thought wasn't much and have been enjoying all these things,) I MUST get back to training and evening adding some serious cross training.

There's no way I'm going to lose like this. I feel just icky having the numbers starring me in the face. Anyway, that's all I have for now. Time to get ready for a run! :-)

Feeling Good

Yesterday went really well. I ate "normal" and didn't binge or purge. It was great. I found this recipe that really helps with my sweet tooth and it's really healthy. It's called Peanut Butter Balls. I just eat it with a spoon instead of turning into cookie form.

1/2 cup nonfat dry milk
1/3 cup peanut butter
2 TBSP wheat germ
2 TBSP flax seed mill
1 to 2 TBSP honey

Mix it all together and enjoy. Eating this throughout the day has kept me from binging! I also put wheat germ and flax in my yogurt. It's very filling and full of vitamins.

I'm hoping to start training again tomorrow. My knee isn't hurting anymore and not exercising much is starting to drive me crazy. After being able to run for miles, doing crunches and leg lifts don't feel like much. I really should get some weights for cross training.

I'm planning to weigh in next Monday. Hopefully I can hold out that long. I would love to be 165 again...or less :-)

Well, I should go. Once again we haven't started school yet and it's almost noon. Good thing it doesn't take long. Hope everyone is having a good Tuesday.

Good Week

I'm feeling oddly optimistic this morning. Not sure why as yesterday was rough. Binged/purged twice and all around tired. I feel like this week is going to be a good one. I haven't really been sticking to my goals but I'm back into the 160s. 168, but I'll take it. Maybe that's why I'm feeling better. IDK

When I first got on here I though I had a lot to say, now I can't think of anything. I have PT for my knee in a couple hours and school with the kids. That's about it for the day. Guess I will post again when I have more to say. Happy Monday everyone!

Well This is Interesting

There's never a dull moment around here. I just found out I'm pregnant. Took a test last night when I realized I was a couple days late. I had been spotting so I figured it was right around the corner, but it never came. Which also explains the random bouts of nausea I've had the past week. I though it was maybe do to the binging and purging so I didn't think anymore about it...until last night.
I definitely have mixed feelings. Yes, Dean and I are very happy to have another child on the way. However, with my ED out of control I'm a little worried. Will I be able to lose weight in a healthy way? What will happen if I can't stop the binge/purge cycle? How much does restricting hurt the baby? Maybe I'll magically be cured...haha I wish. The last time my ED was out of control I got pregnant shortly after. I don't know what happened but during that pregnancy I didn't seem to worry about my weight. I don't know if it will be that easy this time.

There's also the marathon I'm training for. I know you can run when pregnant but can you run 13 miles at 7 months along? haha This will be interesting to say the lest.

Empty

My stomach is empty, and it feels good. I took the day and just had liquids. I did have some calories with my coffee and juice but that's it. I didn't plan the day out, just simple hate food and what it's doing to my body. The hungry pains make me happy. It means I controlled myself...for once. 

Stupid Failure

The title pretty much sums up myself. I can't stick to a plan to save my life. I am nothing but a FAILURE! I'm so ashamed of myself. I wish I could never eat again. I hate food yet love it so much. Stupid, fat, freaking loser! You deserve NOTHING! Worthless piece of crap is all you are. Never leave your house again then you will never have to embarrass the people you know with your presents. No one likes you, no one ever has, they just pretend to be your friend, but in reality your fatness freaks them out and they wish you were died. Just stop eating and die.

Hey...

The past couple days have been ok. Tuesday I did pretty good with my eating and didn't binge/purge but yesterday I did twice. Today is a new day and I'm trying to keep the mindset that it's a new day so just start over. However, I've sick of restarting! I know it's "one day at a time" but it's so frustrating. I'm all or nothing so trying to stay in the middle of the road is hard. If I restrict, it leads to a binge after a few days, if I eat "normally" it leads to a binge. ~sigh~ It seems everything leads to a binge. One thing I did figure out about myself is that the only time I purge is when I cheat on my diet. I don't have a desire to purge if I have a "normal" meal or snack. It's when I stray, even just a little from my diet plan, that sends me spinning out of control.

I also found out what is wrong with my knee. I have tendinitis, and swelling under the knee cap. Blah! My knee had been hurts for the last few days and I finally went in to see what was wrong. It got to the point where I could hardly walk, and running was out of the question. So now, I can't run for the next 10 to 14 days and need to "take it easy." haha sure. I'm going to take these couple weeks to really work on having low cal days and NOT binge/purge. can I make it 2 weeks?

Goal for the next 2 weeks:

No more then 1000 cals a day
No binging or purging
Find other ways to exercise everyday for at least half an hour to an hour

New Plan

I've decided I need to make a new plan. I've been thinking about my goals and this marathon I'm doing. Aim is right, I need to be eating more if I'm going to pull this off. However, a higher cal diet kinda freaks me out. These past few days have been hell with all the binging, thinking of continuing to eat alot really bothers me. How can I lose weight eating more?! So...here's the plan...I'm going to keep it simple. 1500/2000cals on running days and 1000cals the other days.

Man that seems like so much! But if I look at it from the binging side, this is like 1/4 of what I have been eating. ~sigh~ ...and ick! haha That's gross to think about. I've written up a base meal plan so there isn't much thinking about what I'm going to eat.

Breakfast: PB toast and a banana
Snack: Apple, a few triscits or wheat thins (these are high in fiber and are super yummy)
Lunch: Fish or chicken beast, veggies, a serving of V8 juice (the fruit and veggie blend)
Snack: Yogurt, a few triscits or wheat thins, or mixed nuts
Supper: 1/2 to 1 cup of whatever the main dish is for the night, a veggie

Another thing I need to do is reward myself when I hit my goal weights, and not reward with food. Any ideas for some fun rewards? I know clothes will be one. I'm in need of some new jeans but have been waiting to get to 150 for that. That's all I got. :-)

Here's to having a good week!

fucked Up and Tired

I haven't written the past few days because my husband has been home. There's really not much to say though. The last few days I haven't been able to stop eating. I'm tired, pissed, and hate myself. I'm not fitting into my clothes and I just want to die. I feel like a big giant bubbling fat monster. Don't get to close to me or I'll eat you. God! I want to scream at the top of my lungs! This is the same shit that happens all the time. I do really good for a while, lose some weight, and then spend days eating everything in site and gain all the weight back. I just want to be skinny. I'm so tired of being the fat one everywhere I go. however, it serves me right for eating so much.

I had a dream last night that I went to 3rd floor (the mental health unit) to get help but they said I was to fat so they would not help me. The dream lasted all night. I was stuck in this nightmare all night, then woke up only to find out I'm still in the nightmare. I'm so miserable. I'm so despite. I wish I could say I'd do anything but the truth is, I have no fucking will power to stick to any plan I make. I cry, pray, make plans, talk with friends, nothing works. I hate my fat miserable life.

I need to run, but I've taken so many days off that it is so hard to get started again. All I'll feels is my fat jiggling around. I can't take it today. I want to start the day over. I want to go back and wake up and NOT eating everything in site for the first hour of being awake. I want to wake up with that wonderful empty feeling and pray for strength to not eat all the leftover sweets from yesterday. To scrape all junk into the garbage instead of my mouth.

Well, that's all I got for now. Hope everyone is having a better Monday then me. Later.

Day 10

Today is a normal eating day. 1500cals. Seems like so much. But I need to keep up my strength while training for the marathon. I noticed with my last run is was slow and sluggish.

Last night was ok. I had a great time with my friend. I had half of a chicken wrap and a few fries. Then purged at the restaurant. While ordering I was so anxious and started getting hot flashes. It took everything I had to not eat it all because it was so good. The reason I purged was because I knew I had cheated on my diet and I couldn't handle all the thoughts and anxiety. Once it was out I felt great. Throwing up is getting easier. Not sure how I feel about that. I'm able to be quieter and it only takes a few minutes to empty my stomach.

I did tell Dean yesterday about the binging/purging I've been doing the past couple months. He didn't say much. I know he was processing the information and I'm sure by now he has a "plan" on how to deal with it. He's a fixer. I couldn't keep it a secret from him any longer. However, he do NOT know about this blog.

I was able to weigh myself this morning while Dean was in the shower. 165.4! I'm having a pretty good losing week. I was hoping to be under 160 by Easter, but oh well.

Well, I don't really have much to say as the day just started. I may update at the end of the day. Have a good day all!

Day 9

9:45am...Woot woot! I'm out of the 170's! I weighed myself last night at my mom's and it was 168.4. Evening weight with clothes on. I know that's still high, but I'm happy with the loss. The true test will be when I get to 160. I've gotten close to that and then gained 10/15lbs back. I've done it twice in the last couple months. Very frustrating. I know where the scale is right now but I never get to do a good naked morning weigh in because there isn't enough time in the morning, as Dean hides the scale on me. Ohhh, I could weigh in the middle of the night some time...Ha! Anyway, I will get to officially weigh in Easter morning. I only get to weigh myself every couple weeks. It drives me crazy!

Today is a liquid day and I found a trick to staying hydrated and drink my juice, (fruit and veggie juice). Freeze it. Then it feels more like drinking an icy, or ice cream if I let it harden all the way. A lot of times drinking juice is just too sweet when I've had nothing but water all day, but for some reason it hits the spot frozen. Makes me happy.

It's running day. I'm feeling kinda lazy so I don't feel like running. Hopefully I'll feel up to it this afternoon. I normally wait to run until noonish because then it's quiet time for the kids and I feel better about leaving them home along for an hour. They sit around reading or watching tv. No fighting most of the time which makes me happy. There's nothing worse then coming back from a good run only to be flooded with tattle tales and whining.

Well, time to get some stuff done. House is trashed :-/

3:05...Cleaned up a bit and then went for a run. Didn't do well but I don't care. I still pulled 5 miles just at a slower pace. Some days are like that. Not going to stress it.

Like a dork I forgot that a friend was taking me out for supper and I already had my one meal for the day. Dang it. Hopefully she'll be ok with me skipping it if I just explain the TLT course I'm doing. Because it's a Christ centered program, in the eyes of my friends, it's an acceptable way to restrict. heehee Not that I'm entirely trying to be sneaking...ok, maybe I am...for some people.

Holy Crap!! As I was writing I hear my kids screaming Fire! Get water! I kinda thought they were playing even though they have been taught never to scream fire unless it's for real...Well, it was real. Just now! Dean was burning the grass by the old garage and it got out of control. I just spent the last 15 minutes filling every large bowl with water and sending them out with the kids to put it out! Totally crazy. All is fine now and the garage is still standing. yay! I have to say, I'm very proud of my kids. We are always on them about team work and needing to work together but I never thought it sunk in. Well, they have blown me away with how they worked together. If it hadn't been for their quick feet and team work, we would have had to call the fire department.

Stressing supper with my friend now seems like such a silly thing. Thank you God for your hand over our yard! Hope everyone has a wonderful day. For the rest of the day, count your blessing, not your cals :-)

Day 8

Fucked up. That's always a good way to start a post. It's a half day and it seems like those are the hardest. I had eaten all my cals by 2:00pm. Stupid. I'm just so freaking hungry today.

So, all the kids go out to play and it's just me and the quiet. Bad combo. It didn't take me long to find myself locked in the bedroom with a ton of junk food stuffing my face. Yes, I purged. 2500/3000 cals was NOT going to stay down. I hate throwing up but I knew I had to.

Normally after a mess up I take the rest of the day to continue to binge. I already screwed up so I'll just restart tomorrow. That's my normal thinking. However, I'm not going to do that. Nothing but water or tea for the rest of the day.

Hope everyone else is having a better day then me.

Running, Running, Running

The past couple months I got back into running, (after taking a couple years off) and decided to train for a half marathon September 29th. I love running! It's a wonderful stress release and gives me time to not think about anything. I went from hardly being able to run for 1 minute straight the middle of February, to running 5 miles in under an hour! Today I ran almost 6 miles. 14 minute run with a 1 min walk, and did that 4 times. I'm very happy with how my running is going. Hopefully I'll be able to feel good about what I see in the mirror one day.

Day 7

This weekend was ok. Saturday I did really good with my food, but yesterday wasn't the greatest. It was a half day and it was a struggle. My stomach was upset until late afternoon so I didn't eat anything. Then by about 3 I was starving. It took everything I had not to binge. I had a healthy snack, prayed, read my bible, talked with Dean, everything I could think of. I made it through supper but then we had a marshmallow roast with the kids and because the kids know I love the burnt marshmallows, they kept sharing with me. I was only going to have 2, and it ended up to be...idk 10, 15? Stupid, stupid, stupid! I wanted to binge after that. I was so mad at myself. However, I ended up not binging but I still felt like crap for eating so many marshmallows.

This morning I feel like I already messed up. First, I slept in, then instead of spending a few minutes in prayer I went and had breakfast. Doing things in that order just seems to mess me up for the day. Today is a liquids day and it says I can have one solid meal, (which I was planning to skip) but I felt like I ate just because I was so hungry and not with any control. So now I feel like a big pig and am ready to not eat anything else for the day.

I also have a hard time eating on the days I don't run. I think that's what made yesterday so hard. I felt like it was all going to turn into bubbling fat. When I run and am burning 1500-2500 cals, I feel like it's safe to eat. So I really shouldn't be stressing breakfast because it's a running day. 3-5 miles.

Well, I should really go. We have 3 extra kids for a few days, I need to make laundry soap, prep the meals for the day, and clean up a bit.