My Somewhat Secret Life: Stupid Failure

Friday, April 13, 2012

Stupid Failure

The title pretty much sums up myself. I can't stick to a plan to save my life. I am nothing but a FAILURE! I'm so ashamed of myself. I wish I could never eat again. I hate food yet love it so much. Stupid, fat, freaking loser! You deserve NOTHING! Worthless piece of crap is all you are. Never leave your house again then you will never have to embarrass the people you know with your presents. No one likes you, no one ever has, they just pretend to be your friend, but in reality your fatness freaks them out and they wish you were died. Just stop eating and die.

4 comments:

Katie ElizabethApril 13, 2012 at 11:03 AM
Wow sweetie. I understand that voice. That voice is constantly yelling at me. Please don't beat yourself up. You have a beautiful family that need you. I also enjoy your friendship. You're not a failure. It's hard to stick with goals/plans. I'm here for you sweetie.
XOXO
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EliApril 18, 2012 at 11:51 AM
I feel like this ALL THE TIME. It's really hard to shut that voice up. Everything I've read on here tells me that you're a beautiful person, inside and out. We all make mistakes, but you're definitely not a failure. <3
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About Me (long version)

I'm 29, I've been married for 11 years, and have 8 wonderful children. When I was 14/15 I became anorexic/bulimia. I don't remember just how thin I became but Dean (my husband) told me if I wore a tight shirt you could see my ribs. Oh how I wish that was the case now...Anyway, I was in a lot of bad relationships and into drugs, drinking and partying like the world was coming to an end.

At 17 I became pregnant with my first child. Shortly after my 18th birthday Dean and I got married, finished high school, got our own place, and continued to have kids. I gained a lot of weight having kids. Eating for 2 really isn't necessary, the weight doesn't melt off like people say, nursing or not. I gave in to every craving and enjoyed feeling full. I gained, and gained, and gained. I became a disgusting ball of bubbling fat. I couldn't move well, had trouble even walking, and forget about playing with the kids. After number 4 I hit my highest weight. I've slowly lost over the years and stayed around 230/250.

After my 7th baby I got into running and lost alot of weight quickly. I got down to 150 and then my eating disorder kicked back in. I had baby 8 and went back up to 230ish. I've worked to lose the weight again and am down to 170/175 but I still have a long way to go. All I can think about is numbers. The scale, calories, how much I burn when I run, and FOOD FOOD FOOD. I hate it.

So, now I'm trying to lose all the disgusting fat that has invaded my body. I know there is a beautiful girl under all this nastiness. Here is my journey to find that girl.