Monday, July 2, 2012
Depressed
I haven't been doing well lately. I'm depressed and completely miserable. I hate everything about myself and wish I would die. Why be alive if you just suck at everything? I'm a pathitic wife, mother, and women. the only thing I hear is "just die you disgusting fat piece of shit."
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
I'm Back
After being gone for two weeks camping with the family I'm finally back and ready to blog. I have to say, two weeks, outdoors, with 8 kids is VERY exhausting! haha We had an ok time. Some really good days, some not so good. Dean and I learned we have to train our kids way more! Whining is prevalent in our home and it's so not ok. Let the training begin!
This week as been pretty good. We got home Sunday and started school yesterday and reworked our daily schedule. I know it's only been two days, but it's been a good two days. I have alot coming up in the next month and trying not to let it stress me out. We have family coming up, all my sisters will be together for the first time in many years, which is good and bad. We don't always get along and seem to love each other from a distance better. But maybe that's just how siblings are.
I also have the relaunching of CR coming up and I have to get my butt in gear to get stuff organized and figure out what I'm going to talk about at the informational meeting on the 10th of next month. Did I ever mention I have a fear of public speaking? ~sigh~ When I first got into CR as a leader I didn't know I would shortly become the director and run the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but I'm not good at the whole speaking to groups thing. So until I get more leaders, it's my job :-)
As far as my eating has gone, it had been going ok. I didn't think once about my ED while camping until a dear friend came to visit at the end of our trip. She struggles with needing to gain weigh. She has alot of health problems so she loses weight easily. She told me she finally got up to 120. That was my goal weight before I got pregnant. "finally go UP to." Grrr, bit me! haha I love her to death but damn it I want her body. haha I'd even take the health problems. Anyway, the last two days of camping were hard because I wanted to cry most of the time and both nights cried myself to sleep because all I could think about was how much weight I've gained and how gross I've become. I'm still around the 200lb mark. Which I'll mostly stay at until the end of the pregnancy, then gain another 20/30lbs right before I have the baby and be right back to needing to lose 100lbs. Man that is so messed up. That's how it's played out with the last two kids so it's safe to say that's how it will go this time too.
I'd like to say I'm not going to let it happen, make a plan and stick to it, but really, it's not going play out that way. Part of me wants to just say fuck it and not care until after baby and then work it off, but then I look at myself and realize that I'll be miserable if I do that yet trying to fight the fat seems so freaking hard too.
I guess that's all I have for now. Hope everyone is having a good week!
This week as been pretty good. We got home Sunday and started school yesterday and reworked our daily schedule. I know it's only been two days, but it's been a good two days. I have alot coming up in the next month and trying not to let it stress me out. We have family coming up, all my sisters will be together for the first time in many years, which is good and bad. We don't always get along and seem to love each other from a distance better. But maybe that's just how siblings are.
I also have the relaunching of CR coming up and I have to get my butt in gear to get stuff organized and figure out what I'm going to talk about at the informational meeting on the 10th of next month. Did I ever mention I have a fear of public speaking? ~sigh~ When I first got into CR as a leader I didn't know I would shortly become the director and run the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but I'm not good at the whole speaking to groups thing. So until I get more leaders, it's my job :-)
As far as my eating has gone, it had been going ok. I didn't think once about my ED while camping until a dear friend came to visit at the end of our trip. She struggles with needing to gain weigh. She has alot of health problems so she loses weight easily. She told me she finally got up to 120. That was my goal weight before I got pregnant. "finally go UP to." Grrr, bit me! haha I love her to death but damn it I want her body. haha I'd even take the health problems. Anyway, the last two days of camping were hard because I wanted to cry most of the time and both nights cried myself to sleep because all I could think about was how much weight I've gained and how gross I've become. I'm still around the 200lb mark. Which I'll mostly stay at until the end of the pregnancy, then gain another 20/30lbs right before I have the baby and be right back to needing to lose 100lbs. Man that is so messed up. That's how it's played out with the last two kids so it's safe to say that's how it will go this time too.
I'd like to say I'm not going to let it happen, make a plan and stick to it, but really, it's not going play out that way. Part of me wants to just say fuck it and not care until after baby and then work it off, but then I look at myself and realize that I'll be miserable if I do that yet trying to fight the fat seems so freaking hard too.
I guess that's all I have for now. Hope everyone is having a good week!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Feeling Better...And a Story
I woke up feeling pretty good this morning. This weekend I'm working on Eating small portions, eating slowly, and stopping just when I feel full. I know they say to stop when you feel satisfied, but ummm, that doesn't really happen with an overeater. So I figure, if I'm focusing on eating slow then stopping right when I think I'm feeling full, that that's a good start. I hate that my brain doesn't register stuff like this normally. Or maybe it does and I've just been good at ignoring it for so long that now I can't tell the difference. IDK
I've been thinking a lot about what ED I really have. I've never been diagnosed with anything before, but I know how I eat and all my weirdness with food is not normal. When I was in high school, I know I was anorexic. I was very underweight and was told people could see my ribs through my clothes if I wore anything fitting. My mom almost put me in the hospital at one point. I think it was shortly after that that I turned to bulimia. I then had a short period of time where I don't think I was restricting or binging and purging, but my past is pretty foggy. (Thank you sex, drugs, and rock-N-roll.) Then I got pregnant with my first child and nose dived into overeating. For years I didn't make the connection that it was over eating. I was just enjoying food the first time in years.
Fast forward 8 years and after having m 7th baby something in me changed. I started eating healthy, and I was losing weight without trying. So, being all excited I decide to make a plan to keep this good thing going. I started counting calories and exercising almost daily. I felt better then I had in years. I lost 80lbs very quickly. I was so proud of myself! I felt great, and thought I looked amazing.
I got down to 170 and then did something every stupid. I had an affair. This was my turning point and I think my trigger for me slipping back into anorexic behavior. I know I can't say I became anorexic as you have to be underweight, but the tendencies all came back. I started restricting, exercising manically, and started hiding when I did eat. I got down to 150 and just couldn't do it anymore. I was so miserable. Binge eating starting to take over and I threw up a few times but hated it and didn't want to get back into bulimia. I started to gain and then found out I was pregnant. I didn't really watch what I ate at that point. I fell right back into overeating claiming I'd just work it off after baby.
Easier said then down, but my mind was in a good place. I had my down days but I'd work through them. I then lost 30lbs within a couple weeks and was able to keep it off but my body just didn't want to lose anymore weight. I then started the yo-yo diet crap which brings me to today.
I really don't know where this little story came from, but there you go. A little in site into my past. So with all that said, I don't really know what or if I have a specific ED. I know I have tendencies of all of them, so maybe it's that EDNOS I've heard about. I'm not even sure what to call my ED, other then fucked up. haha I know I have disordered eating and I guess sense I have to deal with it, I'd like to pick the one to suffer from. I know, that probably sounds lame, but whatever. If I have to suffer from an ED, I'd like it to be Anorexia. In my eyes, I see Ani as strong, beautiful, and always in control. All of which I want so very badly. I was there before, so why on earth can't I get it back. I'm not saying I want to be anorexic, but I want what comes with it. Strength, control, beauty, bones. And like I said, if it's my destiny to suffer from and ED, damn it, let me pick the one to have. haha
Well, this post got much longer then I planned so I'm going to go for now. Hope everyone has a great weekend!
I've been thinking a lot about what ED I really have. I've never been diagnosed with anything before, but I know how I eat and all my weirdness with food is not normal. When I was in high school, I know I was anorexic. I was very underweight and was told people could see my ribs through my clothes if I wore anything fitting. My mom almost put me in the hospital at one point. I think it was shortly after that that I turned to bulimia. I then had a short period of time where I don't think I was restricting or binging and purging, but my past is pretty foggy. (Thank you sex, drugs, and rock-N-roll.) Then I got pregnant with my first child and nose dived into overeating. For years I didn't make the connection that it was over eating. I was just enjoying food the first time in years.
Fast forward 8 years and after having m 7th baby something in me changed. I started eating healthy, and I was losing weight without trying. So, being all excited I decide to make a plan to keep this good thing going. I started counting calories and exercising almost daily. I felt better then I had in years. I lost 80lbs very quickly. I was so proud of myself! I felt great, and thought I looked amazing.
I got down to 170 and then did something every stupid. I had an affair. This was my turning point and I think my trigger for me slipping back into anorexic behavior. I know I can't say I became anorexic as you have to be underweight, but the tendencies all came back. I started restricting, exercising manically, and started hiding when I did eat. I got down to 150 and just couldn't do it anymore. I was so miserable. Binge eating starting to take over and I threw up a few times but hated it and didn't want to get back into bulimia. I started to gain and then found out I was pregnant. I didn't really watch what I ate at that point. I fell right back into overeating claiming I'd just work it off after baby.
Easier said then down, but my mind was in a good place. I had my down days but I'd work through them. I then lost 30lbs within a couple weeks and was able to keep it off but my body just didn't want to lose anymore weight. I then started the yo-yo diet crap which brings me to today.
I really don't know where this little story came from, but there you go. A little in site into my past. So with all that said, I don't really know what or if I have a specific ED. I know I have tendencies of all of them, so maybe it's that EDNOS I've heard about. I'm not even sure what to call my ED, other then fucked up. haha I know I have disordered eating and I guess sense I have to deal with it, I'd like to pick the one to suffer from. I know, that probably sounds lame, but whatever. If I have to suffer from an ED, I'd like it to be Anorexia. In my eyes, I see Ani as strong, beautiful, and always in control. All of which I want so very badly. I was there before, so why on earth can't I get it back. I'm not saying I want to be anorexic, but I want what comes with it. Strength, control, beauty, bones. And like I said, if it's my destiny to suffer from and ED, damn it, let me pick the one to have. haha
Well, this post got much longer then I planned so I'm going to go for now. Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Friday, May 18, 2012
Avoiding the Truth
I haven't posted lately because honestly, I've gained so much I've been too embarrassed to talk about it. I'm 9 1/2 weeks now and in this time have managed to pack on 22lbs. I didn't even know that was possible! The morning sickness has been killing me and with my blood sugar always so low I know I've not been eating the best. Sugar and as much protein as possible to help with my levels not spiking, but really? 22lbs in 9 weeks?! Please, someone shoot me. The only reason I know what I weigh is because I had a WIC appointment and I couldn't get out of it. My goal was to not go over 200lbs during this pregnancy. I'm now at 195. It hurts to even admit that. I haven't been running as I had the flu last week and this week I've simply tried to get my energy back.
However, this has to stop. Things have to change or I may just kill myself. But then really, the thought of people having to clean up that nasty fat mess, well, maybe I'll kill myself another time. I'm hoping to reset this Monday. We have alot of food related events going on this weekend so I'll get though that and then start fresh. I really need to start counting calories again so I know just how much I'm really putting in my face. because clearly I've been slightly delusional these past few weeks. Fuck!
My plan:
1000/1500cals per day
At least 8 cups of water
No more soda, not even diet.
Run every other day. At least 4 miles. I'm not going to worry about time or speed, just be moving at a slightly faster pace then a walk :-) I still have this half marathon ahead of me, so I really need to get off my ass.
That's it. should be simple enough, right? I'm so sick of the yo-yo weight crap. I can feel the weight everywhere, it's so gross. even my breathing has changed. I'd like to blame it on allergies, but let's stop lieing to myself. I'm ripping apart at the seems. I don't even look in the mirror anymore. It's to painful. The kids are noticing and making comments, but do I do anything about it. Yeah, hide in my room and stuff my face through the tears. Damn it. I hate this so much.
However, this has to stop. Things have to change or I may just kill myself. But then really, the thought of people having to clean up that nasty fat mess, well, maybe I'll kill myself another time. I'm hoping to reset this Monday. We have alot of food related events going on this weekend so I'll get though that and then start fresh. I really need to start counting calories again so I know just how much I'm really putting in my face. because clearly I've been slightly delusional these past few weeks. Fuck!
My plan:
1000/1500cals per day
At least 8 cups of water
No more soda, not even diet.
Run every other day. At least 4 miles. I'm not going to worry about time or speed, just be moving at a slightly faster pace then a walk :-) I still have this half marathon ahead of me, so I really need to get off my ass.
That's it. should be simple enough, right? I'm so sick of the yo-yo weight crap. I can feel the weight everywhere, it's so gross. even my breathing has changed. I'd like to blame it on allergies, but let's stop lieing to myself. I'm ripping apart at the seems. I don't even look in the mirror anymore. It's to painful. The kids are noticing and making comments, but do I do anything about it. Yeah, hide in my room and stuff my face through the tears. Damn it. I hate this so much.
Friday, May 11, 2012
The Flu
I have the flu. I only get it once a year but when I do, I feel like I'm dieing. I don't handle being sick well at all. I curl up in a ball and cry a lot. Two nights ago I didn't sleep well and had the chills. I was hoping it was nothing but then I started throwing up. Dang it! I threw up off and on all day yesterday but slept really well last night. When I woke up this morning I thought I was doing better. Nope. I'm guessing I have at least another day of this. Ick! Happy Friday everyone, and Happy Mothers Day weekend to all you hot mamas out there!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Fat Little Piggy
The title pretty much explains how I feel lately. I eat almost non-stop all day long due to the morning sickness. It's the only thing that helps. I hate it! If I didn't eat my blood sugar would drop and I'd get shaky, threw up stomach acid, and possibly pass out. Dean says other then my stomach, it doesn't look like I've gained any weight. I'm 8 weeks pregnant but look like I'm 8 months. "side effect" of have many kids. haha
A couple months ago I had bought some new clothes and now I don't fit in any of them. Thank God I didn't buy any jeans. I have a weird body and have only found one type of jeans that fit me right, and they are 50 bucks! I did a few cute maxi dresses that I will live in until baby is here.
Yesterday was weigh in, which I'm doing every other week, but I didn't weigh myself. I'm too scared to. The last time I weighed in I was 180. Remember not to long ago I was 165? Yeah, me to. I've heard it's normal to not lose or even gain as a runner, but that just sucks. How can you not lose when you weigh this much?! Oh yeah, when you are a fat pig that eats everything in sight.
As for my weekend off, it was great. I watched movies, went swimming with a friend, and tried to enjoy eating take out and told my brain to shut up whenever I ate. I hate all the thoughts that come with eating. I keep telling myself that's it's best for baby to eat and can work on losing after, but I've just lieing to myself. I WILL not go over 200lbs with this pregnancy. It's not like baby will start if I need to restrict after the morning sickness passes. I have plenty to go around.
My depression is overwhelming, but my bi polar has been ok. I'd rather be sad and tired then a bitchy monster. Which is what I become with my highs. I have a friend that has bi polar and her highs are manic highs, happy manic highs. Oh how I wish that was me. My manic highs are bitchy, scary, mean, angry, freak out moments. I never have happy highs. Never have.
Tonight I'm going to a bachelorette party. I'm excited but nervous. I'm going to be the biggest person there. I always hate being the "fat one" in the group. I remember in high school I always hung out with a really big person so I'd get all the attention. haha I know, I was "that" girl. Now, I'm the fatty in the group. :-( Karma? And lets not forget about the group pictures people what to take. I take up the room of 2 to 3 people. I really off center pictures.
Well, I'm starting to feel slightly better for the moment so I think I'll get my run in. I really need to get back to every other day instead of every 3 days. It really makes running hard when I run so little. It makes me feel floppy, and clumsy. I have spanx that I normally wear when I run to hold me in place but I can't find them, which makes me feel extra floppy when I run. Our dryer is down so we have to put the clothes out on the line which slows down the laundry process. Plus, it's been rains so we are really behind on laundry and I can't find anything to ware. Blah! Ok, I'm done whining...for now. heehee
A couple months ago I had bought some new clothes and now I don't fit in any of them. Thank God I didn't buy any jeans. I have a weird body and have only found one type of jeans that fit me right, and they are 50 bucks! I did a few cute maxi dresses that I will live in until baby is here.
Yesterday was weigh in, which I'm doing every other week, but I didn't weigh myself. I'm too scared to. The last time I weighed in I was 180. Remember not to long ago I was 165? Yeah, me to. I've heard it's normal to not lose or even gain as a runner, but that just sucks. How can you not lose when you weigh this much?! Oh yeah, when you are a fat pig that eats everything in sight.
As for my weekend off, it was great. I watched movies, went swimming with a friend, and tried to enjoy eating take out and told my brain to shut up whenever I ate. I hate all the thoughts that come with eating. I keep telling myself that's it's best for baby to eat and can work on losing after, but I've just lieing to myself. I WILL not go over 200lbs with this pregnancy. It's not like baby will start if I need to restrict after the morning sickness passes. I have plenty to go around.
My depression is overwhelming, but my bi polar has been ok. I'd rather be sad and tired then a bitchy monster. Which is what I become with my highs. I have a friend that has bi polar and her highs are manic highs, happy manic highs. Oh how I wish that was me. My manic highs are bitchy, scary, mean, angry, freak out moments. I never have happy highs. Never have.
Tonight I'm going to a bachelorette party. I'm excited but nervous. I'm going to be the biggest person there. I always hate being the "fat one" in the group. I remember in high school I always hung out with a really big person so I'd get all the attention. haha I know, I was "that" girl. Now, I'm the fatty in the group. :-( Karma? And lets not forget about the group pictures people what to take. I take up the room of 2 to 3 people. I really off center pictures.
Well, I'm starting to feel slightly better for the moment so I think I'll get my run in. I really need to get back to every other day instead of every 3 days. It really makes running hard when I run so little. It makes me feel floppy, and clumsy. I have spanx that I normally wear when I run to hold me in place but I can't find them, which makes me feel extra floppy when I run. Our dryer is down so we have to put the clothes out on the line which slows down the laundry process. Plus, it's been rains so we are really behind on laundry and I can't find anything to ware. Blah! Ok, I'm done whining...for now. heehee
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Ready to Feel Better
I've been bad about posting lately mainly because I feel I don't have much to say. Morning sickness sucks, I sleep all the time, the house is trashed, and I have no energy to make the kids do their chores or to do my training.
I force myself to run but hate it. Only sometimes do I feel good after a run. I just want to have my energy back. I know it will come back and I know I'm just being a whiner.
As for my eating, it's been going ok. I haven't binged in over a week but I'm still not eating that great. I've craving salty stuff and fast food like a crazy person these days.
That's really about it. Oh, I do have my weekend off starting tomorrow afternoon. Kid free weekend! I got a hotel room in town and my plan is to lock myself in my room and just veg and lounge around. I am going out with friends Friday night but other then that I'm just going to do nothing. I can't wait! I'm so blessed to have a husband that is not scared to take all the kids on for days at a time.
I may post over the weekend if I have Internet access at the hotel. Otherwise, I hope everyone has a great weekend!
I force myself to run but hate it. Only sometimes do I feel good after a run. I just want to have my energy back. I know it will come back and I know I'm just being a whiner.
As for my eating, it's been going ok. I haven't binged in over a week but I'm still not eating that great. I've craving salty stuff and fast food like a crazy person these days.
That's really about it. Oh, I do have my weekend off starting tomorrow afternoon. Kid free weekend! I got a hotel room in town and my plan is to lock myself in my room and just veg and lounge around. I am going out with friends Friday night but other then that I'm just going to do nothing. I can't wait! I'm so blessed to have a husband that is not scared to take all the kids on for days at a time.
I may post over the weekend if I have Internet access at the hotel. Otherwise, I hope everyone has a great weekend!
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