My Somewhat Secret Life: Depressed

Monday, July 2, 2012

Depressed

I haven't been doing well lately. I'm depressed and completely miserable. I hate everything about myself and wish I would die. Why be alive if you just suck at everything? I'm a pathitic wife, mother, and women. the only thing I hear is "just die you disgusting fat piece of shit."

2 comments:

EliJuly 2, 2012 at 5:22 PM
Oh hun, I'm so sorry. You're a good wife and mother. I know it's not going to make it better, but you needed to hear it. <3
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AnonymousJuly 2, 2012 at 8:17 PM
dont listen to that voice, its a liar! And your child/children need you!
www.strengthisbeauty13.blogspot.com
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About Me (long version)

I'm 29, I've been married for 11 years, and have 8 wonderful children. When I was 14/15 I became anorexic/bulimia. I don't remember just how thin I became but Dean (my husband) told me if I wore a tight shirt you could see my ribs. Oh how I wish that was the case now...Anyway, I was in a lot of bad relationships and into drugs, drinking and partying like the world was coming to an end.

At 17 I became pregnant with my first child. Shortly after my 18th birthday Dean and I got married, finished high school, got our own place, and continued to have kids. I gained a lot of weight having kids. Eating for 2 really isn't necessary, the weight doesn't melt off like people say, nursing or not. I gave in to every craving and enjoyed feeling full. I gained, and gained, and gained. I became a disgusting ball of bubbling fat. I couldn't move well, had trouble even walking, and forget about playing with the kids. After number 4 I hit my highest weight. I've slowly lost over the years and stayed around 230/250.

After my 7th baby I got into running and lost alot of weight quickly. I got down to 150 and then my eating disorder kicked back in. I had baby 8 and went back up to 230ish. I've worked to lose the weight again and am down to 170/175 but I still have a long way to go. All I can think about is numbers. The scale, calories, how much I burn when I run, and FOOD FOOD FOOD. I hate it.

So, now I'm trying to lose all the disgusting fat that has invaded my body. I know there is a beautiful girl under all this nastiness. Here is my journey to find that girl.