I'm Back

After being gone for two weeks camping with the family I'm finally back and ready to blog. I have to say, two weeks, outdoors, with 8 kids is VERY exhausting! haha We had an ok time. Some really good days, some not so good. Dean and I learned we have to train our kids way more! Whining is prevalent in our home and it's so not ok. Let the training begin!

This week as been pretty good. We got home Sunday and started school yesterday and reworked our daily schedule. I know it's only been two days, but it's been a good two days. I have alot coming up in the next month and trying not to let it stress me out. We have family coming up, all my sisters will be together for the first time in many years, which is good and bad. We don't always get along and seem to love each other from a distance better. But maybe that's just how siblings are.

I also have the relaunching of CR coming up and I have to get my butt in gear to get stuff organized and figure out what I'm going to talk about at the informational meeting on the 10th of next month. Did I ever mention I have a fear of public speaking? ~sigh~ When I first got into CR as a leader I didn't know I would shortly become the director and run the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but I'm not good at the whole speaking to groups thing. So until I get more leaders, it's my job :-)

As far as my eating has gone, it had been going ok. I didn't think once about my ED while camping until a dear friend came to visit at the end of our trip. She struggles with needing to gain weigh. She has alot of health problems so she loses weight easily. She told me she finally got up to 120. That was my goal weight before I got pregnant. "finally go UP to." Grrr, bit me! haha I love her to death but damn it I want her body. haha I'd even take the health problems. Anyway, the last two days of camping were hard because I wanted to cry most of the time and both nights cried myself to sleep because all I could think about was how much weight I've gained and how gross I've become. I'm still around the 200lb mark. Which I'll mostly stay at until the end of the pregnancy, then gain another 20/30lbs right before I have the baby and be right back to needing to lose 100lbs. Man that is so messed up. That's how it's played out with the last two kids so it's safe to say that's how it will go this time too.

I'd like to say I'm not going to let it happen, make a plan and stick to it, but really, it's not going play out that way. Part of me wants to just say fuck it and not care until after baby and then work it off, but then I look at myself and realize that I'll be miserable if I do that yet trying to fight the fat seems so freaking hard too.

I guess that's all I have for now. Hope everyone is having a good week!

Ick

I'm feeling kinda icky this morning. My blood sugar has been dropping so low and quickly I almost pass out and feel disoriented. Last night I was at the store with my oldest daughter and my sugar dropped. At one point I wasn't sure I'd be able to drive home. I somehow found the nerve and we made it home. I munched on strawberries all the way home. When I got home I have some more fruit and some veggies and felt much better. I did make it all the without eating and only drinking non calorie drinks but by the end of the night my body said no more. I forget about my blood sugar problems with my pregnancies until it dropped last night. I felt horrible. This morning I was feeling ok and got up early to make french toast for everyone and about an hour in my sugar levels dropped. I ended up have a piece of french toast and coffee with a little creamer in it. Then took a nap. I hope the rest of the day goes better.

I will be meeting my midwife today at noon. I'm looking forward to having a midwife this time around. We had often talked about having one but never had luck finding someone close by. 5/6 hours away doesn't really put me at ease if something big comes up. I've had natural births with all the kids and many different experiences with Dr.s. Most of which I walked away from feeling annoyed or shamed for having more kids then THEY thought we should have. Dean and I have come to the conclusion that when my body can no long carry a child we will be done. Putting my womb in God's hands. After telling this to my Dr, at that time, she told me she was tempted to tell me my body couldn't handle anymore kids. (In a joking manor of course.) Very rude and unprofessional. I'm hoping we have a great experience with this midwife and I know she shares the same views about having children so that puts me at ease. When you have many kids you get a wide range of negative comments thrown at you often. I've learned to brush it off because I know they just don't see children as I do. A blessing. Yes, the freak me out some times, piss me off and make me scream, but at the end of the day I wouldn't trade them for anything, and thank God for each and every one of them.

I also have a meeting with one of our pastors about doing a charity run for CR (Celebrate Recover) I'm super excited about this. I'm hoping to hold a 5/10K to bring awareness and funds to our group. There is a lot more work that goes into getting something like this off the ground so I'm hoping I get a good group of people that can help me make this a success.

Well, for the rest of the day I'm going to stick to non cal drinks and then have a light supper so my sugar doesn't freak out again. I'm not going to make a solid plan for my eating because as you've noticed I don't really stick to them these days. So my loosely made plan is to have breakfast and then a light supper with a small snack on my running days. For the next week I'm also NOT going to binge or purge. For the whole week! I'm really going to do it this time.

Have a great week everyone!