I haven't posted lately because honestly, I've gained so much I've been too embarrassed to talk about it. I'm 9 1/2 weeks now and in this time have managed to pack on 22lbs. I didn't even know that was possible! The morning sickness has been killing me and with my blood sugar always so low I know I've not been eating the best. Sugar and as much protein as possible to help with my levels not spiking, but really? 22lbs in 9 weeks?! Please, someone shoot me. The only reason I know what I weigh is because I had a WIC appointment and I couldn't get out of it. My goal was to not go over 200lbs during this pregnancy. I'm now at 195. It hurts to even admit that. I haven't been running as I had the flu last week and this week I've simply tried to get my energy back.
However, this has to stop. Things have to change or I may just kill myself. But then really, the thought of people having to clean up that nasty fat mess, well, maybe I'll kill myself another time. I'm hoping to reset this Monday. We have alot of food related events going on this weekend so I'll get though that and then start fresh. I really need to start counting calories again so I know just how much I'm really putting in my face. because clearly I've been slightly delusional these past few weeks. Fuck!
My plan:
1000/1500cals per day
At least 8 cups of water
No more soda, not even diet.
Run every other day. At least 4 miles. I'm not going to worry about time or speed, just be moving at a slightly faster pace then a walk :-) I still have this half marathon ahead of me, so I really need to get off my ass.
That's it. should be simple enough, right? I'm so sick of the yo-yo weight crap. I can feel the weight everywhere, it's so gross. even my breathing has changed. I'd like to blame it on allergies, but let's stop lieing to myself. I'm ripping apart at the seems. I don't even look in the mirror anymore. It's to painful. The kids are noticing and making comments, but do I do anything about it. Yeah, hide in my room and stuff my face through the tears. Damn it. I hate this so much.
Showing posts with label Calories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Calories. Show all posts
Friday, May 18, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Fat Little Piggy
The title pretty much explains how I feel lately. I eat almost non-stop all day long due to the morning sickness. It's the only thing that helps. I hate it! If I didn't eat my blood sugar would drop and I'd get shaky, threw up stomach acid, and possibly pass out. Dean says other then my stomach, it doesn't look like I've gained any weight. I'm 8 weeks pregnant but look like I'm 8 months. "side effect" of have many kids. haha
A couple months ago I had bought some new clothes and now I don't fit in any of them. Thank God I didn't buy any jeans. I have a weird body and have only found one type of jeans that fit me right, and they are 50 bucks! I did a few cute maxi dresses that I will live in until baby is here.
Yesterday was weigh in, which I'm doing every other week, but I didn't weigh myself. I'm too scared to. The last time I weighed in I was 180. Remember not to long ago I was 165? Yeah, me to. I've heard it's normal to not lose or even gain as a runner, but that just sucks. How can you not lose when you weigh this much?! Oh yeah, when you are a fat pig that eats everything in sight.
As for my weekend off, it was great. I watched movies, went swimming with a friend, and tried to enjoy eating take out and told my brain to shut up whenever I ate. I hate all the thoughts that come with eating. I keep telling myself that's it's best for baby to eat and can work on losing after, but I've just lieing to myself. I WILL not go over 200lbs with this pregnancy. It's not like baby will start if I need to restrict after the morning sickness passes. I have plenty to go around.
My depression is overwhelming, but my bi polar has been ok. I'd rather be sad and tired then a bitchy monster. Which is what I become with my highs. I have a friend that has bi polar and her highs are manic highs, happy manic highs. Oh how I wish that was me. My manic highs are bitchy, scary, mean, angry, freak out moments. I never have happy highs. Never have.
Tonight I'm going to a bachelorette party. I'm excited but nervous. I'm going to be the biggest person there. I always hate being the "fat one" in the group. I remember in high school I always hung out with a really big person so I'd get all the attention. haha I know, I was "that" girl. Now, I'm the fatty in the group. :-( Karma? And lets not forget about the group pictures people what to take. I take up the room of 2 to 3 people. I really off center pictures.
Well, I'm starting to feel slightly better for the moment so I think I'll get my run in. I really need to get back to every other day instead of every 3 days. It really makes running hard when I run so little. It makes me feel floppy, and clumsy. I have spanx that I normally wear when I run to hold me in place but I can't find them, which makes me feel extra floppy when I run. Our dryer is down so we have to put the clothes out on the line which slows down the laundry process. Plus, it's been rains so we are really behind on laundry and I can't find anything to ware. Blah! Ok, I'm done whining...for now. heehee
A couple months ago I had bought some new clothes and now I don't fit in any of them. Thank God I didn't buy any jeans. I have a weird body and have only found one type of jeans that fit me right, and they are 50 bucks! I did a few cute maxi dresses that I will live in until baby is here.
Yesterday was weigh in, which I'm doing every other week, but I didn't weigh myself. I'm too scared to. The last time I weighed in I was 180. Remember not to long ago I was 165? Yeah, me to. I've heard it's normal to not lose or even gain as a runner, but that just sucks. How can you not lose when you weigh this much?! Oh yeah, when you are a fat pig that eats everything in sight.
As for my weekend off, it was great. I watched movies, went swimming with a friend, and tried to enjoy eating take out and told my brain to shut up whenever I ate. I hate all the thoughts that come with eating. I keep telling myself that's it's best for baby to eat and can work on losing after, but I've just lieing to myself. I WILL not go over 200lbs with this pregnancy. It's not like baby will start if I need to restrict after the morning sickness passes. I have plenty to go around.
My depression is overwhelming, but my bi polar has been ok. I'd rather be sad and tired then a bitchy monster. Which is what I become with my highs. I have a friend that has bi polar and her highs are manic highs, happy manic highs. Oh how I wish that was me. My manic highs are bitchy, scary, mean, angry, freak out moments. I never have happy highs. Never have.
Tonight I'm going to a bachelorette party. I'm excited but nervous. I'm going to be the biggest person there. I always hate being the "fat one" in the group. I remember in high school I always hung out with a really big person so I'd get all the attention. haha I know, I was "that" girl. Now, I'm the fatty in the group. :-( Karma? And lets not forget about the group pictures people what to take. I take up the room of 2 to 3 people. I really off center pictures.
Well, I'm starting to feel slightly better for the moment so I think I'll get my run in. I really need to get back to every other day instead of every 3 days. It really makes running hard when I run so little. It makes me feel floppy, and clumsy. I have spanx that I normally wear when I run to hold me in place but I can't find them, which makes me feel extra floppy when I run. Our dryer is down so we have to put the clothes out on the line which slows down the laundry process. Plus, it's been rains so we are really behind on laundry and I can't find anything to ware. Blah! Ok, I'm done whining...for now. heehee
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
One of those Weeks
Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. Life has been crazy, I'm sick all the time, and I've been eating like crap. I've only purged once sense last Tuesday but have been binging off and on all week. I've also been spotting bright red off and on also which I think has helped with not purging . I'm a little freaked out about it. I never spot during a pregnancy except for when I had my miscarriage.
I was going to only have non calorie liquids today and tomorrow but in my brain damaged mind I had a large breakfast. So, now I will start and run off what I ate this morning.
I never have energy until after noon which makes it hard to get anything done. I have a list of stuff that must get done today and not motivation to do anything of it. I just want to sleep.
I feel like all I do is complain these days. I wish I could have a few good days in a row and have something good to talk about. Like having some freaking control over my eating and losing some weight. I still haven't been able to stick to the 1000 cals which was my goal. Makes me feel like a complete failure. I hate the way I look and I know I've gained. I've been to scared to weigh in though. I've been craving salty everything and I know I'm retaining water. My feet, hands, and face look like swishy marshmallows. I'm also showing quite a bit which isn't helping my feel good about myself. I feel like an Umpa Lumpa. Ick!
Anyone have any tips on how to NOT give in to craving and acting like a nasty pig? I really need to lost some weight. I know I'm going to gain with the pregnancy but because I'm heavier, I should be able to lose some also. I'd like to be 150 by the end of the pregnancy. With training for the half marathon this shouldn't be to hard, but ONLY if I can stop eating like a whale!
I was going to only have non calorie liquids today and tomorrow but in my brain damaged mind I had a large breakfast. So, now I will start and run off what I ate this morning.
I never have energy until after noon which makes it hard to get anything done. I have a list of stuff that must get done today and not motivation to do anything of it. I just want to sleep.
I feel like all I do is complain these days. I wish I could have a few good days in a row and have something good to talk about. Like having some freaking control over my eating and losing some weight. I still haven't been able to stick to the 1000 cals which was my goal. Makes me feel like a complete failure. I hate the way I look and I know I've gained. I've been to scared to weigh in though. I've been craving salty everything and I know I'm retaining water. My feet, hands, and face look like swishy marshmallows. I'm also showing quite a bit which isn't helping my feel good about myself. I feel like an Umpa Lumpa. Ick!
Anyone have any tips on how to NOT give in to craving and acting like a nasty pig? I really need to lost some weight. I know I'm going to gain with the pregnancy but because I'm heavier, I should be able to lose some also. I'd like to be 150 by the end of the pregnancy. With training for the half marathon this shouldn't be to hard, but ONLY if I can stop eating like a whale!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Numbers
ICK! I actually did the numbers on what I've been eating the past couple days, thinking I was doing pretty good, ummm, nope. ~sigh~ I've been trying to not count calories because numbers take over and make me freak out. I'm very disappointed in myself for eating so much. Especially sense I haven't been running.
I knew my peanut butter snack was high in cals but I was going to let it go because it's been keeping me from binging and taking in 2000/3000 in a sitting, but everything else has been high too. Maybe I've just been in denial. IDK
Peanut butter snack - 870
Yogurt cocktail - 470 (granola, flax, and wheat germ) Need to switch to a lower cal yogurt.
Breakfast including loaded coffee - 640 (need to go back to black coffee)
Apple - 95
Total - 2075! This is not counting supper if I have it. Now if I was running everyday this could be ok because I suppose to add in about 500 cals for baby, but this is still way more then I thought I was taking in. I feel so dumb! However, now I know so if I want to keep eating all this (which I thought wasn't much and have been enjoying all these things,) I MUST get back to training and evening adding some serious cross training.
There's no way I'm going to lose like this. I feel just icky having the numbers starring me in the face. Anyway, that's all I have for now. Time to get ready for a run! :-)
I knew my peanut butter snack was high in cals but I was going to let it go because it's been keeping me from binging and taking in 2000/3000 in a sitting, but everything else has been high too. Maybe I've just been in denial. IDK
Peanut butter snack - 870
Yogurt cocktail - 470 (granola, flax, and wheat germ) Need to switch to a lower cal yogurt.
Breakfast including loaded coffee - 640 (need to go back to black coffee)
Apple - 95
Total - 2075! This is not counting supper if I have it. Now if I was running everyday this could be ok because I suppose to add in about 500 cals for baby, but this is still way more then I thought I was taking in. I feel so dumb! However, now I know so if I want to keep eating all this (which I thought wasn't much and have been enjoying all these things,) I MUST get back to training and evening adding some serious cross training.
There's no way I'm going to lose like this. I feel just icky having the numbers starring me in the face. Anyway, that's all I have for now. Time to get ready for a run! :-)
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