It's been almost a year sense I've posted. My daughter was born the end of December. She has been an amazing baby sense day one. Sleeps through the night, nurses great, and is always happen. I never went through the normal sleep deprivation that comes with newborns. In that respect, things have been wonderful. As for the rest of my life, not so much.
I gained a lot with this last pregnancy, but that happens every time. The mental garbage that goes with weight gain has been almost unbearable. The last month has been the hardest. It's so frustrating to know how to be healthy but not being able to do it.
My husband has been great. I seriously don't know how he puts up with me. I can't put up with me most days. Most of my time this last month has been spent crying, avoiding people, and staying home as much as possible. He's there for all my breakdowns and gives me space when I need it. I know he just wants to muscle me into not binging/purging or restricting, but it just doesn't work that way.
I made it three days eating good and didn't count all my calories but I lost it yesterday. It started off with a binge/purge when everyone was outside. I tried to reset but then I started eating more after supper. Dean went to bed early and then kids went to bed without any trouble so for two hours I binged and purged. Finally when I was so tired I could fall asleep standing I went to bed. Very shitty way to end the day. My goal is to make it a week just eating healthy. No counting calories, no junk food, and no purging. Not sure how long it will take to meet that goal though.
Today has been good. I went for a run and just tuned out for awhile. We have friends coming over for supper so I hope I can eat normally and eat with them. Eating in front of anyone has become a chore these days. Well, Dean will be home soon so I'm off to get the house picked up.
Have a great weekend!
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Yesterday and Today
Yesterday I was so bi-polar. Bluh! I'm still feeling a little down but doing better. I don't know what happened yesterday that set me off. I know the heat was part of it. It was like all my failures were slammed in my face without any warning. I just couldn't deal with it all. When my husband got home I broke down. He let me go to bed early and he took care of the kids for the night. It seems like everything I suck at comes down to my weight. I could homeschool the kids better if I was thin and in shape. I'd have the energy to keep up with them and not burn out at noon. My friends would want to hang out with me if I wasn't fat and embarrassing to be seen in public with. My husband would want me if I wasn't a big tub of lard. I'd be able to lead my CR group better if I wasn't such a damn hypocrite. The list goes on and on.
I know that being pregnant plays a part in how I feel but I'm tired of it taking my body completely. I know and read about all these large family mothers that have it all together and always have a great body. Am I the only large family fat mom out there?! It makes me so angry. How is it that they can push out 10 kids and still be in a size 8? Really? I miss when I was 150 and would get people saying, "there is no way you've had 7 kids!" I loved those comments. It made me feel like I could do anything. Then, I get pregnant and it all went away. I wasn't even able to get back down there after I had S. I'm one of those that gain 60lbs no matter what I do during the pregnancy. And now, I'm doing it all again.
I've tried everything to lose some of the weight I've gained already with this pregnancy but nothing works. It's like my body is out to get me. The only exercise I can do is walking, (which kills because before I got pregnant I was running 5/6miles,) and because of my sugar levels always dropping if feels like I'm eating all the time. I think I just need to restrict and deal with feeling like shit. I feel like shit either way so I might as well get something out of it.
Starting over. Breakfast and supper. That's it. Goal is to make it through the week on this plan.
I know that being pregnant plays a part in how I feel but I'm tired of it taking my body completely. I know and read about all these large family mothers that have it all together and always have a great body. Am I the only large family fat mom out there?! It makes me so angry. How is it that they can push out 10 kids and still be in a size 8? Really? I miss when I was 150 and would get people saying, "there is no way you've had 7 kids!" I loved those comments. It made me feel like I could do anything. Then, I get pregnant and it all went away. I wasn't even able to get back down there after I had S. I'm one of those that gain 60lbs no matter what I do during the pregnancy. And now, I'm doing it all again.
I've tried everything to lose some of the weight I've gained already with this pregnancy but nothing works. It's like my body is out to get me. The only exercise I can do is walking, (which kills because before I got pregnant I was running 5/6miles,) and because of my sugar levels always dropping if feels like I'm eating all the time. I think I just need to restrict and deal with feeling like shit. I feel like shit either way so I might as well get something out of it.
Starting over. Breakfast and supper. That's it. Goal is to make it through the week on this plan.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Depressed
I haven't been doing well lately. I'm depressed and completely miserable. I hate everything about myself and wish I would die. Why be alive if you just suck at everything? I'm a pathitic wife, mother, and women. the only thing I hear is "just die you disgusting fat piece of shit."
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
I'm Back
After being gone for two weeks camping with the family I'm finally back and ready to blog. I have to say, two weeks, outdoors, with 8 kids is VERY exhausting! haha We had an ok time. Some really good days, some not so good. Dean and I learned we have to train our kids way more! Whining is prevalent in our home and it's so not ok. Let the training begin!
This week as been pretty good. We got home Sunday and started school yesterday and reworked our daily schedule. I know it's only been two days, but it's been a good two days. I have alot coming up in the next month and trying not to let it stress me out. We have family coming up, all my sisters will be together for the first time in many years, which is good and bad. We don't always get along and seem to love each other from a distance better. But maybe that's just how siblings are.
I also have the relaunching of CR coming up and I have to get my butt in gear to get stuff organized and figure out what I'm going to talk about at the informational meeting on the 10th of next month. Did I ever mention I have a fear of public speaking? ~sigh~ When I first got into CR as a leader I didn't know I would shortly become the director and run the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but I'm not good at the whole speaking to groups thing. So until I get more leaders, it's my job :-)
As far as my eating has gone, it had been going ok. I didn't think once about my ED while camping until a dear friend came to visit at the end of our trip. She struggles with needing to gain weigh. She has alot of health problems so she loses weight easily. She told me she finally got up to 120. That was my goal weight before I got pregnant. "finally go UP to." Grrr, bit me! haha I love her to death but damn it I want her body. haha I'd even take the health problems. Anyway, the last two days of camping were hard because I wanted to cry most of the time and both nights cried myself to sleep because all I could think about was how much weight I've gained and how gross I've become. I'm still around the 200lb mark. Which I'll mostly stay at until the end of the pregnancy, then gain another 20/30lbs right before I have the baby and be right back to needing to lose 100lbs. Man that is so messed up. That's how it's played out with the last two kids so it's safe to say that's how it will go this time too.
I'd like to say I'm not going to let it happen, make a plan and stick to it, but really, it's not going play out that way. Part of me wants to just say fuck it and not care until after baby and then work it off, but then I look at myself and realize that I'll be miserable if I do that yet trying to fight the fat seems so freaking hard too.
I guess that's all I have for now. Hope everyone is having a good week!
This week as been pretty good. We got home Sunday and started school yesterday and reworked our daily schedule. I know it's only been two days, but it's been a good two days. I have alot coming up in the next month and trying not to let it stress me out. We have family coming up, all my sisters will be together for the first time in many years, which is good and bad. We don't always get along and seem to love each other from a distance better. But maybe that's just how siblings are.
I also have the relaunching of CR coming up and I have to get my butt in gear to get stuff organized and figure out what I'm going to talk about at the informational meeting on the 10th of next month. Did I ever mention I have a fear of public speaking? ~sigh~ When I first got into CR as a leader I didn't know I would shortly become the director and run the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but I'm not good at the whole speaking to groups thing. So until I get more leaders, it's my job :-)
As far as my eating has gone, it had been going ok. I didn't think once about my ED while camping until a dear friend came to visit at the end of our trip. She struggles with needing to gain weigh. She has alot of health problems so she loses weight easily. She told me she finally got up to 120. That was my goal weight before I got pregnant. "finally go UP to." Grrr, bit me! haha I love her to death but damn it I want her body. haha I'd even take the health problems. Anyway, the last two days of camping were hard because I wanted to cry most of the time and both nights cried myself to sleep because all I could think about was how much weight I've gained and how gross I've become. I'm still around the 200lb mark. Which I'll mostly stay at until the end of the pregnancy, then gain another 20/30lbs right before I have the baby and be right back to needing to lose 100lbs. Man that is so messed up. That's how it's played out with the last two kids so it's safe to say that's how it will go this time too.
I'd like to say I'm not going to let it happen, make a plan and stick to it, but really, it's not going play out that way. Part of me wants to just say fuck it and not care until after baby and then work it off, but then I look at myself and realize that I'll be miserable if I do that yet trying to fight the fat seems so freaking hard too.
I guess that's all I have for now. Hope everyone is having a good week!
Friday, May 18, 2012
Avoiding the Truth
I haven't posted lately because honestly, I've gained so much I've been too embarrassed to talk about it. I'm 9 1/2 weeks now and in this time have managed to pack on 22lbs. I didn't even know that was possible! The morning sickness has been killing me and with my blood sugar always so low I know I've not been eating the best. Sugar and as much protein as possible to help with my levels not spiking, but really? 22lbs in 9 weeks?! Please, someone shoot me. The only reason I know what I weigh is because I had a WIC appointment and I couldn't get out of it. My goal was to not go over 200lbs during this pregnancy. I'm now at 195. It hurts to even admit that. I haven't been running as I had the flu last week and this week I've simply tried to get my energy back.
However, this has to stop. Things have to change or I may just kill myself. But then really, the thought of people having to clean up that nasty fat mess, well, maybe I'll kill myself another time. I'm hoping to reset this Monday. We have alot of food related events going on this weekend so I'll get though that and then start fresh. I really need to start counting calories again so I know just how much I'm really putting in my face. because clearly I've been slightly delusional these past few weeks. Fuck!
My plan:
1000/1500cals per day
At least 8 cups of water
No more soda, not even diet.
Run every other day. At least 4 miles. I'm not going to worry about time or speed, just be moving at a slightly faster pace then a walk :-) I still have this half marathon ahead of me, so I really need to get off my ass.
That's it. should be simple enough, right? I'm so sick of the yo-yo weight crap. I can feel the weight everywhere, it's so gross. even my breathing has changed. I'd like to blame it on allergies, but let's stop lieing to myself. I'm ripping apart at the seems. I don't even look in the mirror anymore. It's to painful. The kids are noticing and making comments, but do I do anything about it. Yeah, hide in my room and stuff my face through the tears. Damn it. I hate this so much.
However, this has to stop. Things have to change or I may just kill myself. But then really, the thought of people having to clean up that nasty fat mess, well, maybe I'll kill myself another time. I'm hoping to reset this Monday. We have alot of food related events going on this weekend so I'll get though that and then start fresh. I really need to start counting calories again so I know just how much I'm really putting in my face. because clearly I've been slightly delusional these past few weeks. Fuck!
My plan:
1000/1500cals per day
At least 8 cups of water
No more soda, not even diet.
Run every other day. At least 4 miles. I'm not going to worry about time or speed, just be moving at a slightly faster pace then a walk :-) I still have this half marathon ahead of me, so I really need to get off my ass.
That's it. should be simple enough, right? I'm so sick of the yo-yo weight crap. I can feel the weight everywhere, it's so gross. even my breathing has changed. I'd like to blame it on allergies, but let's stop lieing to myself. I'm ripping apart at the seems. I don't even look in the mirror anymore. It's to painful. The kids are noticing and making comments, but do I do anything about it. Yeah, hide in my room and stuff my face through the tears. Damn it. I hate this so much.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Fat Little Piggy
The title pretty much explains how I feel lately. I eat almost non-stop all day long due to the morning sickness. It's the only thing that helps. I hate it! If I didn't eat my blood sugar would drop and I'd get shaky, threw up stomach acid, and possibly pass out. Dean says other then my stomach, it doesn't look like I've gained any weight. I'm 8 weeks pregnant but look like I'm 8 months. "side effect" of have many kids. haha
A couple months ago I had bought some new clothes and now I don't fit in any of them. Thank God I didn't buy any jeans. I have a weird body and have only found one type of jeans that fit me right, and they are 50 bucks! I did a few cute maxi dresses that I will live in until baby is here.
Yesterday was weigh in, which I'm doing every other week, but I didn't weigh myself. I'm too scared to. The last time I weighed in I was 180. Remember not to long ago I was 165? Yeah, me to. I've heard it's normal to not lose or even gain as a runner, but that just sucks. How can you not lose when you weigh this much?! Oh yeah, when you are a fat pig that eats everything in sight.
As for my weekend off, it was great. I watched movies, went swimming with a friend, and tried to enjoy eating take out and told my brain to shut up whenever I ate. I hate all the thoughts that come with eating. I keep telling myself that's it's best for baby to eat and can work on losing after, but I've just lieing to myself. I WILL not go over 200lbs with this pregnancy. It's not like baby will start if I need to restrict after the morning sickness passes. I have plenty to go around.
My depression is overwhelming, but my bi polar has been ok. I'd rather be sad and tired then a bitchy monster. Which is what I become with my highs. I have a friend that has bi polar and her highs are manic highs, happy manic highs. Oh how I wish that was me. My manic highs are bitchy, scary, mean, angry, freak out moments. I never have happy highs. Never have.
Tonight I'm going to a bachelorette party. I'm excited but nervous. I'm going to be the biggest person there. I always hate being the "fat one" in the group. I remember in high school I always hung out with a really big person so I'd get all the attention. haha I know, I was "that" girl. Now, I'm the fatty in the group. :-( Karma? And lets not forget about the group pictures people what to take. I take up the room of 2 to 3 people. I really off center pictures.
Well, I'm starting to feel slightly better for the moment so I think I'll get my run in. I really need to get back to every other day instead of every 3 days. It really makes running hard when I run so little. It makes me feel floppy, and clumsy. I have spanx that I normally wear when I run to hold me in place but I can't find them, which makes me feel extra floppy when I run. Our dryer is down so we have to put the clothes out on the line which slows down the laundry process. Plus, it's been rains so we are really behind on laundry and I can't find anything to ware. Blah! Ok, I'm done whining...for now. heehee
A couple months ago I had bought some new clothes and now I don't fit in any of them. Thank God I didn't buy any jeans. I have a weird body and have only found one type of jeans that fit me right, and they are 50 bucks! I did a few cute maxi dresses that I will live in until baby is here.
Yesterday was weigh in, which I'm doing every other week, but I didn't weigh myself. I'm too scared to. The last time I weighed in I was 180. Remember not to long ago I was 165? Yeah, me to. I've heard it's normal to not lose or even gain as a runner, but that just sucks. How can you not lose when you weigh this much?! Oh yeah, when you are a fat pig that eats everything in sight.
As for my weekend off, it was great. I watched movies, went swimming with a friend, and tried to enjoy eating take out and told my brain to shut up whenever I ate. I hate all the thoughts that come with eating. I keep telling myself that's it's best for baby to eat and can work on losing after, but I've just lieing to myself. I WILL not go over 200lbs with this pregnancy. It's not like baby will start if I need to restrict after the morning sickness passes. I have plenty to go around.
My depression is overwhelming, but my bi polar has been ok. I'd rather be sad and tired then a bitchy monster. Which is what I become with my highs. I have a friend that has bi polar and her highs are manic highs, happy manic highs. Oh how I wish that was me. My manic highs are bitchy, scary, mean, angry, freak out moments. I never have happy highs. Never have.
Tonight I'm going to a bachelorette party. I'm excited but nervous. I'm going to be the biggest person there. I always hate being the "fat one" in the group. I remember in high school I always hung out with a really big person so I'd get all the attention. haha I know, I was "that" girl. Now, I'm the fatty in the group. :-( Karma? And lets not forget about the group pictures people what to take. I take up the room of 2 to 3 people. I really off center pictures.
Well, I'm starting to feel slightly better for the moment so I think I'll get my run in. I really need to get back to every other day instead of every 3 days. It really makes running hard when I run so little. It makes me feel floppy, and clumsy. I have spanx that I normally wear when I run to hold me in place but I can't find them, which makes me feel extra floppy when I run. Our dryer is down so we have to put the clothes out on the line which slows down the laundry process. Plus, it's been rains so we are really behind on laundry and I can't find anything to ware. Blah! Ok, I'm done whining...for now. heehee
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
One of those Weeks
Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. Life has been crazy, I'm sick all the time, and I've been eating like crap. I've only purged once sense last Tuesday but have been binging off and on all week. I've also been spotting bright red off and on also which I think has helped with not purging . I'm a little freaked out about it. I never spot during a pregnancy except for when I had my miscarriage.
I was going to only have non calorie liquids today and tomorrow but in my brain damaged mind I had a large breakfast. So, now I will start and run off what I ate this morning.
I never have energy until after noon which makes it hard to get anything done. I have a list of stuff that must get done today and not motivation to do anything of it. I just want to sleep.
I feel like all I do is complain these days. I wish I could have a few good days in a row and have something good to talk about. Like having some freaking control over my eating and losing some weight. I still haven't been able to stick to the 1000 cals which was my goal. Makes me feel like a complete failure. I hate the way I look and I know I've gained. I've been to scared to weigh in though. I've been craving salty everything and I know I'm retaining water. My feet, hands, and face look like swishy marshmallows. I'm also showing quite a bit which isn't helping my feel good about myself. I feel like an Umpa Lumpa. Ick!
Anyone have any tips on how to NOT give in to craving and acting like a nasty pig? I really need to lost some weight. I know I'm going to gain with the pregnancy but because I'm heavier, I should be able to lose some also. I'd like to be 150 by the end of the pregnancy. With training for the half marathon this shouldn't be to hard, but ONLY if I can stop eating like a whale!
I was going to only have non calorie liquids today and tomorrow but in my brain damaged mind I had a large breakfast. So, now I will start and run off what I ate this morning.
I never have energy until after noon which makes it hard to get anything done. I have a list of stuff that must get done today and not motivation to do anything of it. I just want to sleep.
I feel like all I do is complain these days. I wish I could have a few good days in a row and have something good to talk about. Like having some freaking control over my eating and losing some weight. I still haven't been able to stick to the 1000 cals which was my goal. Makes me feel like a complete failure. I hate the way I look and I know I've gained. I've been to scared to weigh in though. I've been craving salty everything and I know I'm retaining water. My feet, hands, and face look like swishy marshmallows. I'm also showing quite a bit which isn't helping my feel good about myself. I feel like an Umpa Lumpa. Ick!
Anyone have any tips on how to NOT give in to craving and acting like a nasty pig? I really need to lost some weight. I know I'm going to gain with the pregnancy but because I'm heavier, I should be able to lose some also. I'd like to be 150 by the end of the pregnancy. With training for the half marathon this shouldn't be to hard, but ONLY if I can stop eating like a whale!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Weekend Fun
Morning sickness has kicked in. I really was hoping I wouldn't get it this time, but it seems that will not be the case. Maybe it will help me not binge all the time :-) Speaking of which, I binged/purged huge last night. I was shaking after. Ick. Well I'm off for a morning nap. Feel horrible.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Blah
I almost made it through the day yesterday. I ended up not running until 4:00pm and after my run I had supper. Then I continued to eat...everything. I will say that I did not binge of candy which is what I normally do but it was a binge non the less. A "healthy" food binge still made me feel like shit.
I told my Celebrate Recovery group that my goal was to not binge/purge for 1 week. I made it 2 1/2 days. Stupid. It was really hard not to purge. I wanted to so bad that I got dizzy. I went to bed shortly after eating and cried myself to sleep. One more disappointment. Once again letting people down. I'm tired of it. I wish I hadn't even told them.
I weighed myself this morning and to my surprise I didn't gain. That was a small encouragement I guess.
This weekend it's going to just be me and the kids. My husband is taking the weekend off to recharge. He never gets breaks so I'm very happy for him. He's always given ME the weekend breaks. However, I still found myself very jealous this morning and cranky with him. I felt bad that he left for his break on a bad note. I was crabby and some of the kids were crabby... Ugh.
I know the reason it's so hard for me this time. We had recently asked some friends to help us out and take the kids for us because we are both so very stressed. We have never, in our 11 years of marriage and kids have asked for a break from all the kids at once, for more then a weekend. It looked like it was going to happen and then found out a friend bailed on us. My friend should have told me from the start that it wouldn't work for her. but instead, kept implying that it might work and then at the last minute told us no. I had started to make plans for what I'd do for a whole week at the house child free. Now, totally disappointed, I'm working through my feels and trying to be happy for my husband who still gets to go away for a few days. Very jealous at the moment. I shouldn't have shown him just how annoyed I was and feel bad that I was pissed when he left. I know I have a break coming up. So shut up and be happy for him.
On a slightly happy note, my oldest will be on a church sleep over thing for the weekend. She is high stress in my life. She's only 11 but has been pre-teen and PMSing since she was 5. No joke. I get over whelmed with her quickly. Looking forward to her being gone for a few days.
So to continue me random ramblings, my plan for the day is to only have 1000 cals today. I ate so much yesterday evening that I feel full just thinking about it. I'm saving my cals for this evening when I have a friend over for supper and a movie. Homemade sweet and sour chicken with rice. I've never made it before so hopefully it's good.
Well, I'm done rambling now. Hope everyone has a great weekend.
Hugs!
I told my Celebrate Recovery group that my goal was to not binge/purge for 1 week. I made it 2 1/2 days. Stupid. It was really hard not to purge. I wanted to so bad that I got dizzy. I went to bed shortly after eating and cried myself to sleep. One more disappointment. Once again letting people down. I'm tired of it. I wish I hadn't even told them.
I weighed myself this morning and to my surprise I didn't gain. That was a small encouragement I guess.
This weekend it's going to just be me and the kids. My husband is taking the weekend off to recharge. He never gets breaks so I'm very happy for him. He's always given ME the weekend breaks. However, I still found myself very jealous this morning and cranky with him. I felt bad that he left for his break on a bad note. I was crabby and some of the kids were crabby... Ugh.
I know the reason it's so hard for me this time. We had recently asked some friends to help us out and take the kids for us because we are both so very stressed. We have never, in our 11 years of marriage and kids have asked for a break from all the kids at once, for more then a weekend. It looked like it was going to happen and then found out a friend bailed on us. My friend should have told me from the start that it wouldn't work for her. but instead, kept implying that it might work and then at the last minute told us no. I had started to make plans for what I'd do for a whole week at the house child free. Now, totally disappointed, I'm working through my feels and trying to be happy for my husband who still gets to go away for a few days. Very jealous at the moment. I shouldn't have shown him just how annoyed I was and feel bad that I was pissed when he left. I know I have a break coming up. So shut up and be happy for him.
On a slightly happy note, my oldest will be on a church sleep over thing for the weekend. She is high stress in my life. She's only 11 but has been pre-teen and PMSing since she was 5. No joke. I get over whelmed with her quickly. Looking forward to her being gone for a few days.
So to continue me random ramblings, my plan for the day is to only have 1000 cals today. I ate so much yesterday evening that I feel full just thinking about it. I'm saving my cals for this evening when I have a friend over for supper and a movie. Homemade sweet and sour chicken with rice. I've never made it before so hopefully it's good.
Well, I'm done rambling now. Hope everyone has a great weekend.
Hugs!
Friday, April 13, 2012
Empty
My stomach is empty, and it feels good. I took the day and just had liquids. I did have some calories with my coffee and juice but that's it. I didn't plan the day out, just simple hate food and what it's doing to my body. The hungry pains make me happy. It means I controlled myself...for once.
Stupid Failure
The title pretty much sums up myself. I can't stick to a plan to save my life. I am nothing but a FAILURE! I'm so ashamed of myself. I wish I could never eat again. I hate food yet love it so much. Stupid, fat, freaking loser! You deserve NOTHING! Worthless piece of crap is all you are. Never leave your house again then you will never have to embarrass the people you know with your presents. No one likes you, no one ever has, they just pretend to be your friend, but in reality your fatness freaks them out and they wish you were died. Just stop eating and die.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)