I'm back...again

It's been almost a year sense I've posted. My daughter was born the end of December. She has been an amazing baby sense day one. Sleeps through the night, nurses great, and is always happen. I never went through the normal sleep deprivation that comes with newborns. In that respect, things have been wonderful. As for the rest of my life, not so much.

I gained a lot with this last pregnancy, but that happens every time. The mental garbage that goes with weight gain has been almost unbearable. The last month has been the hardest. It's so frustrating to know how to be healthy but not being able to do it.

My husband has been great. I seriously don't know how he puts up with me. I can't put up with me most days. Most of my time this last month has been spent crying, avoiding people, and staying home as much as possible. He's there for all my breakdowns and gives me space when I need it. I know he just wants to muscle me into not binging/purging or restricting, but it just doesn't work that way.

I made it three days eating good and didn't count all my calories but I lost it yesterday. It started off with a binge/purge when everyone was outside. I tried to reset but then I started eating more after supper. Dean went to bed early and then kids went to bed without any trouble so for two hours I binged and purged. Finally when I was so tired I could fall asleep standing I went to bed. Very shitty way to end the day. My goal is to make it a week just eating healthy. No counting calories, no junk food, and no purging. Not sure how long it will take to meet that goal though.

Today has been good. I went for a run and just tuned out for awhile. We have friends coming over for supper so I hope I can eat normally and eat with them. Eating in front of anyone has become a chore these days. Well, Dean will be home soon so I'm off to get the house picked up.

Have a great weekend!

Feeling Better...And a Story

I woke up feeling pretty good this morning. This weekend I'm working on Eating small portions, eating slowly,  and stopping just when I feel full. I know they say to stop when you feel satisfied, but ummm, that doesn't really happen with an overeater. So I figure, if I'm focusing on eating slow then stopping right when I think I'm feeling full, that that's a good start. I hate that my brain doesn't register stuff like this normally. Or maybe it does and I've just been good at ignoring it for so long that now I can't tell the difference. IDK

I've been thinking a lot about what ED I really have. I've never been diagnosed with anything before, but I know how I eat and all my weirdness with food is not normal. When I was in high school, I know I was anorexic. I was very underweight and was told people could see my ribs through my clothes if I wore anything fitting. My mom almost put me in the hospital at one point. I think it was shortly after that that I turned to bulimia. I then had a short period of time where I don't think I was restricting or binging and purging, but my past is pretty foggy. (Thank you sex, drugs, and rock-N-roll.) Then I got pregnant with my first child and nose dived into overeating. For years I didn't make the connection that it was over eating. I was just enjoying food the first time in years.

Fast forward 8 years and after having m 7th baby something in me changed. I started eating healthy, and I was losing weight without trying. So, being all excited I decide to make a plan to keep this good thing going. I started counting calories and exercising almost daily. I felt better then I had in years. I lost 80lbs very quickly. I was so proud of myself! I felt great, and thought I looked amazing.

I got down to 170 and then did something every stupid. I had an affair. This was my turning point and I think my trigger for me slipping back into anorexic behavior. I know I can't say I became anorexic as you have to be underweight, but the tendencies all came back. I started restricting, exercising manically, and started hiding when I did eat. I got down to 150 and just couldn't do it anymore. I was so miserable. Binge eating starting to take over and I threw up a few times but hated it and didn't want to get back into bulimia. I started to gain and then found out I was pregnant. I didn't really watch what I ate at that point. I fell right back into overeating claiming I'd just work it off after baby.

Easier said then down, but my mind was in a good place. I had my down days but I'd work through them. I then lost 30lbs within a couple weeks and was able to keep it off but my body just didn't want to lose anymore weight. I then started the yo-yo diet crap which brings me to today.

I really don't know where this little story came from, but there you go. A little in site into my past. So with all that said, I don't really know what or if I have a specific ED. I know I have tendencies of all of them, so maybe it's that EDNOS I've heard about. I'm not even sure what to call my ED, other then fucked up. haha I know I have disordered eating and I guess sense I have to deal with it, I'd like to pick the one to suffer from. I know, that probably sounds lame, but whatever. If I have to suffer from an ED, I'd like it to be Anorexia. In my eyes, I see Ani as strong, beautiful, and always in control. All of which I want so very badly. I was there before, so why on earth can't I get it back. I'm not saying I want to be anorexic, but I want what comes with it. Strength, control, beauty, bones. And like I said, if it's my destiny to suffer from and ED, damn it, let me pick the one to have. haha

Well, this post got much longer then I planned so I'm going to go for now. Hope everyone has a great weekend!