Avoiding the Truth

I haven't posted lately because honestly, I've gained so much I've been too embarrassed to talk about it. I'm 9 1/2 weeks now and in this time have managed to pack on 22lbs. I didn't even know that was possible! The morning sickness has been killing me and with my blood sugar always so low I know I've not been eating the best. Sugar and as much protein as possible to help with my levels not spiking, but really? 22lbs in 9 weeks?! Please, someone shoot me. The only reason I know what I weigh is because I had a WIC appointment and I couldn't get out of it. My goal was to not go over 200lbs during this pregnancy. I'm now at 195. It hurts to even admit that. I haven't been running as I had the flu last week and this week I've simply tried to get my energy back.

However, this has to stop. Things have to change or I may just kill myself. But then really, the thought of people having to clean up that nasty fat mess, well, maybe I'll kill myself another time. I'm hoping to reset this Monday. We have alot of food related events going on this weekend so I'll get though that and then start fresh. I really need to start counting calories again so I know just how much I'm really putting in my face. because clearly I've been slightly delusional these past few weeks. Fuck!

My plan:
1000/1500cals per day
At least 8 cups of water
No more soda, not even diet.
Run every other day. At least 4 miles. I'm not going to worry about time or speed, just be moving at a slightly faster pace then a walk :-) I still have this half marathon ahead of me, so I really need to get off my ass.

That's it. should be simple enough, right? I'm so sick of the yo-yo weight crap. I can feel the weight everywhere, it's so gross. even my breathing has changed. I'd like to blame it on allergies, but let's stop lieing to myself. I'm ripping apart at the seems. I don't even look in the mirror anymore. It's to painful. The kids are noticing and making comments, but do I do anything about it. Yeah, hide in my room and stuff my face through the tears. Damn it. I hate this so much.

Fat Little Piggy

The title pretty much explains how I feel lately. I eat almost non-stop all day long due to the morning sickness. It's the only thing that helps. I hate it! If I didn't eat my blood sugar would drop and I'd get shaky, threw up stomach acid, and possibly pass out. Dean says other then my stomach, it doesn't look like I've gained any weight. I'm 8 weeks pregnant but look like I'm 8 months. "side effect" of have many kids. haha

A couple months ago I had bought some new clothes and now I don't fit in any of them. Thank God I didn't buy any jeans. I have a weird body and have only found one type of jeans that fit me right, and they are 50 bucks! I did a few cute maxi dresses that I will live in until baby is here.

Yesterday was weigh in, which I'm doing every other week, but I didn't weigh myself. I'm too scared to. The last time I weighed in I was 180. Remember not to long ago I was 165? Yeah, me to. I've heard it's normal to not lose or even gain as a runner, but that just sucks. How can you not lose when you weigh this much?! Oh yeah, when you are a fat pig that eats everything in sight.

As for my weekend off, it was great. I watched movies, went swimming with a friend, and tried to enjoy eating take out and told my brain to shut up whenever I ate. I hate all the thoughts that come with eating. I keep telling myself that's it's best for baby to eat and can work on losing after, but I've just lieing to myself. I WILL not go over 200lbs with this pregnancy. It's not like baby will start if I need to restrict after the morning sickness passes. I have plenty to go around.

My depression is overwhelming, but my bi polar has been ok. I'd rather be sad and tired then a bitchy monster. Which is what I become with my highs. I have a friend that has bi polar and her highs are manic highs, happy manic highs. Oh how I wish that was me. My manic highs are bitchy, scary, mean, angry, freak out moments. I never have happy highs. Never have.

Tonight I'm going to a bachelorette party. I'm excited but nervous. I'm going to be the biggest person there. I always hate being the "fat one" in the group. I remember in high school I always hung out with a really big person so I'd get all the attention. haha I know, I was "that" girl. Now, I'm the fatty in the group. :-( Karma? And lets not forget about the group pictures people what to take. I take up the room of 2 to 3 people. I really off center pictures.

Well, I'm starting to feel slightly better for the moment so I think I'll get my run in. I really need to get back to every other day instead of every 3 days. It really makes running hard when I run so little. It makes me feel floppy, and clumsy. I have spanx that I normally wear when I run to hold me in place but I can't find them, which makes me feel extra floppy when I run. Our dryer is down so we have to put the clothes out on the line which slows down the laundry process. Plus, it's been rains so we are really behind on laundry and I can't find anything to ware. Blah! Ok, I'm done whining...for now. heehee

Ready to Feel Better

I've been bad about posting lately mainly because I feel I don't have much to say. Morning sickness sucks, I sleep all the time, the house is trashed, and I have no energy to make the kids do their chores or to do my training.

I force myself to run but hate it. Only sometimes do I feel good after a run. I just want to have my energy back. I know it will come back and I know I'm just being a whiner.

As for my eating, it's been going ok. I haven't binged in over a week but I'm still not eating that great. I've craving salty stuff and fast food like a crazy person these days.

That's really about it. Oh, I do have my weekend off starting tomorrow afternoon. Kid free weekend! I got a hotel room in town and my plan is to lock myself in my room and just veg and lounge around. I am going out with friends Friday night but other then that I'm just going to do nothing. I can't wait! I'm so blessed to have a husband that is not scared to take all the kids on for days at a time.

I may post over the weekend if I have Internet access at the hotel.  Otherwise, I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Ick

I'm feeling kinda icky this morning. My blood sugar has been dropping so low and quickly I almost pass out and feel disoriented. Last night I was at the store with my oldest daughter and my sugar dropped. At one point I wasn't sure I'd be able to drive home. I somehow found the nerve and we made it home. I munched on strawberries all the way home. When I got home I have some more fruit and some veggies and felt much better. I did make it all the without eating and only drinking non calorie drinks but by the end of the night my body said no more. I forget about my blood sugar problems with my pregnancies until it dropped last night. I felt horrible. This morning I was feeling ok and got up early to make french toast for everyone and about an hour in my sugar levels dropped. I ended up have a piece of french toast and coffee with a little creamer in it. Then took a nap. I hope the rest of the day goes better.

I will be meeting my midwife today at noon. I'm looking forward to having a midwife this time around. We had often talked about having one but never had luck finding someone close by. 5/6 hours away doesn't really put me at ease if something big comes up. I've had natural births with all the kids and many different experiences with Dr.s. Most of which I walked away from feeling annoyed or shamed for having more kids then THEY thought we should have. Dean and I have come to the conclusion that when my body can no long carry a child we will be done. Putting my womb in God's hands. After telling this to my Dr, at that time, she told me she was tempted to tell me my body couldn't handle anymore kids. (In a joking manor of course.) Very rude and unprofessional. I'm hoping we have a great experience with this midwife and I know she shares the same views about having children so that puts me at ease. When you have many kids you get a wide range of negative comments thrown at you often. I've learned to brush it off because I know they just don't see children as I do. A blessing. Yes, the freak me out some times, piss me off and make me scream, but at the end of the day I wouldn't trade them for anything, and thank God for each and every one of them.

I also have a meeting with one of our pastors about doing a charity run for CR (Celebrate Recover) I'm super excited about this. I'm hoping to hold a 5/10K to bring awareness and funds to our group. There is a lot more work that goes into getting something like this off the ground so I'm hoping I get a good group of people that can help me make this a success.

Well, for the rest of the day I'm going to stick to non cal drinks and then have a light supper so my sugar doesn't freak out again. I'm not going to make a solid plan for my eating because as you've noticed I don't really stick to them these days. So my loosely made plan is to have breakfast and then a light supper with a small snack on my running days. For the next week I'm also NOT going to binge or purge. For the whole week! I'm really going to do it this time.

Have a great week everyone!

One of those Weeks

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. Life has been crazy, I'm sick all the time, and I've been eating like crap. I've only purged once sense last Tuesday but have been binging off and on all week. I've also been spotting bright red off and on also which I think has helped with not purging . I'm a little freaked out about it. I never spot during a pregnancy except for when I had my miscarriage.

I was going to only have non calorie liquids today and tomorrow but in my brain damaged mind I had a large breakfast. So, now I will start and run off what I ate this morning.

I never have energy until after noon which makes it hard to get anything done. I have a list of stuff that must get done today and not motivation to do anything of it. I just want to sleep.

I feel like all I do is complain these days. I wish I could have a few good days in a row and have something good to talk about. Like having some freaking control over my eating and losing some weight. I still haven't been able to stick to the 1000 cals which was my goal. Makes me feel like a complete failure. I hate the way I look and I know I've gained. I've been to scared to weigh in though. I've been craving salty everything and I know I'm retaining water. My feet, hands, and face look like swishy marshmallows. I'm also showing quite a bit which isn't helping my feel good about myself. I feel like an Umpa Lumpa. Ick!

Anyone have any tips on how to NOT give in to craving and acting like a nasty pig? I really need to lost some weight. I know I'm going to gain with the pregnancy but because I'm heavier, I should be able to lose some also. I'd like to be 150 by the end of the pregnancy. With training for the half marathon this shouldn't be to hard, but ONLY if I can stop eating like a whale!

Blah

I almost made it through the day yesterday. I ended up not running until 4:00pm and after my run I had supper. Then I continued to eat...everything. I will say that I did not binge of candy which is what I normally do but it was a binge non the less. A "healthy" food binge still made me feel like shit.

I told my Celebrate Recovery group that my goal was to not binge/purge for 1 week. I made it 2 1/2 days. Stupid. It was really hard not to purge. I wanted to so bad that I got dizzy. I went to bed shortly after eating and cried myself to sleep. One more disappointment. Once again letting people down. I'm tired of it. I wish I hadn't even told them.

I weighed myself this morning and to my surprise I didn't gain. That was a small encouragement I guess.

This weekend it's going to just be me and the kids. My husband is taking the weekend off to recharge. He never gets breaks so I'm very happy for him. He's always given ME the weekend breaks. However, I still found myself very jealous this morning and cranky with him. I felt bad that he left for his break on a bad note. I was crabby and some of the kids were crabby... Ugh.

I know the reason it's so hard for me this time. We had recently asked some friends to help us out and take the kids for us because we are both so very stressed. We have never, in our 11 years of marriage and kids have asked for a break from all the kids at once, for more then a weekend. It looked like it was going to happen and then found out a friend bailed on us. My friend should have told me from the start that it wouldn't work for her. but instead, kept implying that it might work and then at the last minute told us no. I had started to make plans for what I'd do for a whole week at the house child free. Now, totally disappointed, I'm working through my feels and trying to be happy for my husband who still gets to go away for a few days. Very jealous at the moment. I shouldn't have shown him just how annoyed I was and feel bad that I was pissed when he left. I know I have a break coming up. So shut up and be happy for him.

On a slightly happy note, my oldest will be on a church sleep over thing for the weekend. She is high stress in my life. She's only 11 but has been pre-teen and PMSing since she was 5. No joke. I get over whelmed with her quickly. Looking forward to her being gone for a few days.

So to continue me random ramblings, my plan for the day is to only have 1000 cals today. I ate so much yesterday evening that I feel full just thinking about it. I'm saving my cals for this evening when I have a friend over for supper and a movie. Homemade sweet and sour chicken with rice. I've never made it before so hopefully it's good.

Well, I'm done rambling now. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Hugs!

Numbers

ICK! I actually did the numbers on what I've been eating the past couple days, thinking I was doing pretty good, ummm, nope. ~sigh~ I've been trying to not count calories because numbers take over and make me freak out. I'm very disappointed in myself for eating so much. Especially sense I haven't been running.

I knew my peanut butter snack was high in cals but I was going to let it go because it's been keeping me from binging and taking in 2000/3000 in a sitting, but everything else has been high too. Maybe I've just been in denial. IDK

Peanut butter snack - 870
Yogurt cocktail - 470 (granola, flax, and wheat germ) Need to switch to a lower cal yogurt.
Breakfast including loaded coffee - 640 (need to go back to black coffee)
Apple - 95

Total - 2075! This is not counting supper if I have it. Now if I was running everyday this could be ok because I suppose to add in about 500 cals for baby, but this is still way more then I thought I was taking in. I feel so dumb! However, now I know so if I want to keep eating all this (which I thought wasn't much and have been enjoying all these things,) I MUST get back to training and evening adding some serious cross training.

There's no way I'm going to lose like this. I feel just icky having the numbers starring me in the face. Anyway, that's all I have for now. Time to get ready for a run! :-)

Feeling Good

Yesterday went really well. I ate "normal" and didn't binge or purge. It was great. I found this recipe that really helps with my sweet tooth and it's really healthy. It's called Peanut Butter Balls. I just eat it with a spoon instead of turning into cookie form.

1/2 cup nonfat dry milk
1/3 cup peanut butter
2 TBSP wheat germ
2 TBSP flax seed mill
1 to 2 TBSP honey

Mix it all together and enjoy. Eating this throughout the day has kept me from binging! I also put wheat germ and flax in my yogurt. It's very filling and full of vitamins.

I'm hoping to start training again tomorrow. My knee isn't hurting anymore and not exercising much is starting to drive me crazy. After being able to run for miles, doing crunches and leg lifts don't feel like much. I really should get some weights for cross training.

I'm planning to weigh in next Monday. Hopefully I can hold out that long. I would love to be 165 again...or less :-)

Well, I should go. Once again we haven't started school yet and it's almost noon. Good thing it doesn't take long. Hope everyone is having a good Tuesday.

Well This is Interesting

There's never a dull moment around here. I just found out I'm pregnant. Took a test last night when I realized I was a couple days late. I had been spotting so I figured it was right around the corner, but it never came. Which also explains the random bouts of nausea I've had the past week. I though it was maybe do to the binging and purging so I didn't think anymore about it...until last night.
I definitely have mixed feelings. Yes, Dean and I are very happy to have another child on the way. However, with my ED out of control I'm a little worried. Will I be able to lose weight in a healthy way? What will happen if I can't stop the binge/purge cycle? How much does restricting hurt the baby? Maybe I'll magically be cured...haha I wish. The last time my ED was out of control I got pregnant shortly after. I don't know what happened but during that pregnancy I didn't seem to worry about my weight. I don't know if it will be that easy this time.

There's also the marathon I'm training for. I know you can run when pregnant but can you run 13 miles at 7 months along? haha This will be interesting to say the lest.

Hey...

The past couple days have been ok. Tuesday I did pretty good with my eating and didn't binge/purge but yesterday I did twice. Today is a new day and I'm trying to keep the mindset that it's a new day so just start over. However, I've sick of restarting! I know it's "one day at a time" but it's so frustrating. I'm all or nothing so trying to stay in the middle of the road is hard. If I restrict, it leads to a binge after a few days, if I eat "normally" it leads to a binge. ~sigh~ It seems everything leads to a binge. One thing I did figure out about myself is that the only time I purge is when I cheat on my diet. I don't have a desire to purge if I have a "normal" meal or snack. It's when I stray, even just a little from my diet plan, that sends me spinning out of control.

I also found out what is wrong with my knee. I have tendinitis, and swelling under the knee cap. Blah! My knee had been hurts for the last few days and I finally went in to see what was wrong. It got to the point where I could hardly walk, and running was out of the question. So now, I can't run for the next 10 to 14 days and need to "take it easy." haha sure. I'm going to take these couple weeks to really work on having low cal days and NOT binge/purge. can I make it 2 weeks?

Goal for the next 2 weeks:

No more then 1000 cals a day
No binging or purging
Find other ways to exercise everyday for at least half an hour to an hour

New Plan

I've decided I need to make a new plan. I've been thinking about my goals and this marathon I'm doing. Aim is right, I need to be eating more if I'm going to pull this off. However, a higher cal diet kinda freaks me out. These past few days have been hell with all the binging, thinking of continuing to eat alot really bothers me. How can I lose weight eating more?! So...here's the plan...I'm going to keep it simple. 1500/2000cals on running days and 1000cals the other days.

Man that seems like so much! But if I look at it from the binging side, this is like 1/4 of what I have been eating. ~sigh~ ...and ick! haha That's gross to think about. I've written up a base meal plan so there isn't much thinking about what I'm going to eat.

Breakfast: PB toast and a banana
Snack: Apple, a few triscits or wheat thins (these are high in fiber and are super yummy)
Lunch: Fish or chicken beast, veggies, a serving of V8 juice (the fruit and veggie blend)
Snack: Yogurt, a few triscits or wheat thins, or mixed nuts
Supper: 1/2 to 1 cup of whatever the main dish is for the night, a veggie

Another thing I need to do is reward myself when I hit my goal weights, and not reward with food. Any ideas for some fun rewards? I know clothes will be one. I'm in need of some new jeans but have been waiting to get to 150 for that. That's all I got. :-)

Here's to having a good week!

Running, Running, Running

The past couple months I got back into running, (after taking a couple years off) and decided to train for a half marathon September 29th. I love running! It's a wonderful stress release and gives me time to not think about anything. I went from hardly being able to run for 1 minute straight the middle of February, to running 5 miles in under an hour! Today I ran almost 6 miles. 14 minute run with a 1 min walk, and did that 4 times. I'm very happy with how my running is going. Hopefully I'll be able to feel good about what I see in the mirror one day.