Almost There

It's 4:00am on Sunday and I can't sleep. Tossted and turned for hours and finally got up about twenty minutes ago because I was tired of just lieing there. We have church at 9:30 and then going to a new friends place at 1:00, and I know I'll be crashing soon. I don't know what is going on. I feel tired but just can't sleep.

I've almost made it one week without binging or purging. Tuesday will make it a week. The morning sickness has really helped with my sweet cravings. everything seems icky right now. I've been wanting more fruits and veggies the past few days too.

One weird thing that happened the other day (which I'm told doesn't count as a binge) was that I binged in my sleep. Let me explain the craziness. I take seroquel for my bi-polar and one of the side affects is drowsiness. However, I do not get "drowsy." I get stone drunk tired. I hate it. Well the other night I got up to go to the bathroom, which I vaguely remember doing. When I woke up that morning I thought to myself that I must have really wanted donuts because I had dreamt about eating them. I went into the kitchen to get breakfast going and found 4 donuts gone! How funny is that? So much for dreaming about donuts. haha

Can't think of much else to talk about right now. Tired and want to sleep.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend!

Ick

I'm feeling kinda icky this morning. My blood sugar has been dropping so low and quickly I almost pass out and feel disoriented. Last night I was at the store with my oldest daughter and my sugar dropped. At one point I wasn't sure I'd be able to drive home. I somehow found the nerve and we made it home. I munched on strawberries all the way home. When I got home I have some more fruit and some veggies and felt much better. I did make it all the without eating and only drinking non calorie drinks but by the end of the night my body said no more. I forget about my blood sugar problems with my pregnancies until it dropped last night. I felt horrible. This morning I was feeling ok and got up early to make french toast for everyone and about an hour in my sugar levels dropped. I ended up have a piece of french toast and coffee with a little creamer in it. Then took a nap. I hope the rest of the day goes better.

I will be meeting my midwife today at noon. I'm looking forward to having a midwife this time around. We had often talked about having one but never had luck finding someone close by. 5/6 hours away doesn't really put me at ease if something big comes up. I've had natural births with all the kids and many different experiences with Dr.s. Most of which I walked away from feeling annoyed or shamed for having more kids then THEY thought we should have. Dean and I have come to the conclusion that when my body can no long carry a child we will be done. Putting my womb in God's hands. After telling this to my Dr, at that time, she told me she was tempted to tell me my body couldn't handle anymore kids. (In a joking manor of course.) Very rude and unprofessional. I'm hoping we have a great experience with this midwife and I know she shares the same views about having children so that puts me at ease. When you have many kids you get a wide range of negative comments thrown at you often. I've learned to brush it off because I know they just don't see children as I do. A blessing. Yes, the freak me out some times, piss me off and make me scream, but at the end of the day I wouldn't trade them for anything, and thank God for each and every one of them.

I also have a meeting with one of our pastors about doing a charity run for CR (Celebrate Recover) I'm super excited about this. I'm hoping to hold a 5/10K to bring awareness and funds to our group. There is a lot more work that goes into getting something like this off the ground so I'm hoping I get a good group of people that can help me make this a success.

Well, for the rest of the day I'm going to stick to non cal drinks and then have a light supper so my sugar doesn't freak out again. I'm not going to make a solid plan for my eating because as you've noticed I don't really stick to them these days. So my loosely made plan is to have breakfast and then a light supper with a small snack on my running days. For the next week I'm also NOT going to binge or purge. For the whole week! I'm really going to do it this time.

Have a great week everyone!

One of those Weeks

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. Life has been crazy, I'm sick all the time, and I've been eating like crap. I've only purged once sense last Tuesday but have been binging off and on all week. I've also been spotting bright red off and on also which I think has helped with not purging . I'm a little freaked out about it. I never spot during a pregnancy except for when I had my miscarriage.

I was going to only have non calorie liquids today and tomorrow but in my brain damaged mind I had a large breakfast. So, now I will start and run off what I ate this morning.

I never have energy until after noon which makes it hard to get anything done. I have a list of stuff that must get done today and not motivation to do anything of it. I just want to sleep.

I feel like all I do is complain these days. I wish I could have a few good days in a row and have something good to talk about. Like having some freaking control over my eating and losing some weight. I still haven't been able to stick to the 1000 cals which was my goal. Makes me feel like a complete failure. I hate the way I look and I know I've gained. I've been to scared to weigh in though. I've been craving salty everything and I know I'm retaining water. My feet, hands, and face look like swishy marshmallows. I'm also showing quite a bit which isn't helping my feel good about myself. I feel like an Umpa Lumpa. Ick!

Anyone have any tips on how to NOT give in to craving and acting like a nasty pig? I really need to lost some weight. I know I'm going to gain with the pregnancy but because I'm heavier, I should be able to lose some also. I'd like to be 150 by the end of the pregnancy. With training for the half marathon this shouldn't be to hard, but ONLY if I can stop eating like a whale!

Weekend Fun

Morning sickness has kicked in. I really was hoping I wouldn't get it this time, but it seems that will not be the case. Maybe it will help me not binge all the time :-) Speaking of which, I binged/purged huge last night. I was shaking after. Ick. Well I'm off for a morning nap. Feel horrible.

Blah

I almost made it through the day yesterday. I ended up not running until 4:00pm and after my run I had supper. Then I continued to eat...everything. I will say that I did not binge of candy which is what I normally do but it was a binge non the less. A "healthy" food binge still made me feel like shit.

I told my Celebrate Recovery group that my goal was to not binge/purge for 1 week. I made it 2 1/2 days. Stupid. It was really hard not to purge. I wanted to so bad that I got dizzy. I went to bed shortly after eating and cried myself to sleep. One more disappointment. Once again letting people down. I'm tired of it. I wish I hadn't even told them.

I weighed myself this morning and to my surprise I didn't gain. That was a small encouragement I guess.

This weekend it's going to just be me and the kids. My husband is taking the weekend off to recharge. He never gets breaks so I'm very happy for him. He's always given ME the weekend breaks. However, I still found myself very jealous this morning and cranky with him. I felt bad that he left for his break on a bad note. I was crabby and some of the kids were crabby... Ugh.

I know the reason it's so hard for me this time. We had recently asked some friends to help us out and take the kids for us because we are both so very stressed. We have never, in our 11 years of marriage and kids have asked for a break from all the kids at once, for more then a weekend. It looked like it was going to happen and then found out a friend bailed on us. My friend should have told me from the start that it wouldn't work for her. but instead, kept implying that it might work and then at the last minute told us no. I had started to make plans for what I'd do for a whole week at the house child free. Now, totally disappointed, I'm working through my feels and trying to be happy for my husband who still gets to go away for a few days. Very jealous at the moment. I shouldn't have shown him just how annoyed I was and feel bad that I was pissed when he left. I know I have a break coming up. So shut up and be happy for him.

On a slightly happy note, my oldest will be on a church sleep over thing for the weekend. She is high stress in my life. She's only 11 but has been pre-teen and PMSing since she was 5. No joke. I get over whelmed with her quickly. Looking forward to her being gone for a few days.

So to continue me random ramblings, my plan for the day is to only have 1000 cals today. I ate so much yesterday evening that I feel full just thinking about it. I'm saving my cals for this evening when I have a friend over for supper and a movie. Homemade sweet and sour chicken with rice. I've never made it before so hopefully it's good.

Well, I'm done rambling now. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Hugs!

Numbers

ICK! I actually did the numbers on what I've been eating the past couple days, thinking I was doing pretty good, ummm, nope. ~sigh~ I've been trying to not count calories because numbers take over and make me freak out. I'm very disappointed in myself for eating so much. Especially sense I haven't been running.

I knew my peanut butter snack was high in cals but I was going to let it go because it's been keeping me from binging and taking in 2000/3000 in a sitting, but everything else has been high too. Maybe I've just been in denial. IDK

Peanut butter snack - 870
Yogurt cocktail - 470 (granola, flax, and wheat germ) Need to switch to a lower cal yogurt.
Breakfast including loaded coffee - 640 (need to go back to black coffee)
Apple - 95

Total - 2075! This is not counting supper if I have it. Now if I was running everyday this could be ok because I suppose to add in about 500 cals for baby, but this is still way more then I thought I was taking in. I feel so dumb! However, now I know so if I want to keep eating all this (which I thought wasn't much and have been enjoying all these things,) I MUST get back to training and evening adding some serious cross training.

There's no way I'm going to lose like this. I feel just icky having the numbers starring me in the face. Anyway, that's all I have for now. Time to get ready for a run! :-)

Feeling Good

Yesterday went really well. I ate "normal" and didn't binge or purge. It was great. I found this recipe that really helps with my sweet tooth and it's really healthy. It's called Peanut Butter Balls. I just eat it with a spoon instead of turning into cookie form.

1/2 cup nonfat dry milk
1/3 cup peanut butter
2 TBSP wheat germ
2 TBSP flax seed mill
1 to 2 TBSP honey

Mix it all together and enjoy. Eating this throughout the day has kept me from binging! I also put wheat germ and flax in my yogurt. It's very filling and full of vitamins.

I'm hoping to start training again tomorrow. My knee isn't hurting anymore and not exercising much is starting to drive me crazy. After being able to run for miles, doing crunches and leg lifts don't feel like much. I really should get some weights for cross training.

I'm planning to weigh in next Monday. Hopefully I can hold out that long. I would love to be 165 again...or less :-)

Well, I should go. Once again we haven't started school yet and it's almost noon. Good thing it doesn't take long. Hope everyone is having a good Tuesday.