I'm back...again

It's been almost a year sense I've posted. My daughter was born the end of December. She has been an amazing baby sense day one. Sleeps through the night, nurses great, and is always happen. I never went through the normal sleep deprivation that comes with newborns. In that respect, things have been wonderful. As for the rest of my life, not so much.

I gained a lot with this last pregnancy, but that happens every time. The mental garbage that goes with weight gain has been almost unbearable. The last month has been the hardest. It's so frustrating to know how to be healthy but not being able to do it.

My husband has been great. I seriously don't know how he puts up with me. I can't put up with me most days. Most of my time this last month has been spent crying, avoiding people, and staying home as much as possible. He's there for all my breakdowns and gives me space when I need it. I know he just wants to muscle me into not binging/purging or restricting, but it just doesn't work that way.

I made it three days eating good and didn't count all my calories but I lost it yesterday. It started off with a binge/purge when everyone was outside. I tried to reset but then I started eating more after supper. Dean went to bed early and then kids went to bed without any trouble so for two hours I binged and purged. Finally when I was so tired I could fall asleep standing I went to bed. Very shitty way to end the day. My goal is to make it a week just eating healthy. No counting calories, no junk food, and no purging. Not sure how long it will take to meet that goal though.

Today has been good. I went for a run and just tuned out for awhile. We have friends coming over for supper so I hope I can eat normally and eat with them. Eating in front of anyone has become a chore these days. Well, Dean will be home soon so I'm off to get the house picked up.

Have a great weekend!

The Month of July

This last month has been hell! I have struggled so much with my bi-polar and temper it's been kinda scary. I hate who I become when I'm in a low. I'm mean, nasty, bitchy, and all around crazy. If I was on my own this wouldn't be that big of a deal. I could just lock myself up until it passes. However, with a husband and kids it's not that easy. My kids have been walking an eggshells all month. I hate this. I hate the fact that I know there are many times my kids simply fear me. Not the good healthy fear kids should have for parents but the kind that keeps them from coming into the same room with me because they don't know if I'll snap and yell at them for simply breathing to loudly.

I haven't been able to take my meds regularly because of the morning sickness, (which I think is finally over,) so I'm hoping my moods will level off and I can start to feel a little more sane. My husband has been great through all this and is great about stepping up when I'm falling apart. Thank God for that or this house would be a horrid freak show in line for the next LifeTime movie!

My moods are starting to level off a bit and life is feeling a little bit more normal this past week. Kids are feeling safer and husband is happy. Things are looking up.

I have some exciting news. Starting this Saturday all 8 of my kids will be gone for a full week!!!! No joke. I'm so freaking excited I can hardly stand it. Dean and I have not had a break away from all the kids in years, let alone a full week. There are so many things we want to do that I'm pretty sure we won't be able to do them all. I will have a lot of time on my hands during the week as Dean will still have work but I'm ok with that. I have a pretty good list of stuff that I want to do on my own too. Ohhhh man, I can't wait!

The one thing that has been ok this month has been my eating. That's so weird to say! I've really not had much of an appetite and when I do, I crave fruits and veggies, not chocolate and ice cream. In fact, there have been a few times where Dean and I are sitting down for a show and he's pigging out on ice cream and I'm eating a bowl of carrots! Right now at this very moment there are a pan of super yummy brownies in the fridge that I haven't since last night and even that was a pretty small piece!

I've been try to work on finding the little positives in the hell of life even if it's the smallest thing, like the kids didn't scream for ten seconds today. lol Yes, sometimes that's all I get.

Well, that's all I have for now. Hopefully I'll start posting more and a little more happy then my last few blogs. Hope everyone in blogger land is doing good!

I Did It!

Ok, I know making it one day isn't something to really celebrate, but for me it is...at least right now. I've made so many plans and never stick to any of them. I've very happy I made it one day. I know I'll make it though today also. We will be going to see family today and the food they make is never that good so I'm not stressed about eating bad. I had breakfast and will have my water and tea, then supper. Hope everyone has a wonderful 4th!

Yesterday and Today

Yesterday I was so bi-polar. Bluh! I'm still feeling a little down but doing better. I don't know what happened yesterday that set me off. I know the heat was part of it. It was like all my failures were slammed in my face without any warning. I just couldn't deal with it all. When my husband got home I broke down. He let me go to bed early and he took care of the kids for the night. It seems like everything I suck at comes down to my weight. I could homeschool the kids better if I was thin and in shape. I'd have the energy to keep up with them and not burn out at noon. My friends would want to hang out with me if I wasn't fat and embarrassing to be seen in public with. My husband would want me if I wasn't a big tub of lard. I'd be able to lead my CR group better if I wasn't such a damn hypocrite. The list goes on and on.

I know that being pregnant plays a part in how I feel but I'm tired of it taking my body completely. I know and read about all these large family mothers that have it all together and always have a great body. Am I the only large family fat mom out there?! It makes me so angry. How is it that they can push out 10 kids and still be in a size 8? Really? I miss when I was 150 and would get people saying, "there is no way you've had 7 kids!" I loved those comments. It made me feel like I could do anything. Then, I get pregnant and it all went away. I wasn't even able to get back down there after I had S. I'm one of those that gain 60lbs no matter what I do during the pregnancy. And now, I'm doing it all again.

I've tried everything to lose some of the weight I've gained already with this pregnancy but nothing works. It's like my body is out to get me. The only exercise I can do is walking, (which kills because before I got pregnant I was running 5/6miles,) and because of my sugar levels always dropping if feels like I'm eating all the time. I think I just need to restrict and deal with feeling like shit. I feel like shit either way so I might as well get something out of it.

Starting over. Breakfast and supper. That's it. Goal is to make it through the week on this plan.

Depressed

I haven't been doing well lately. I'm depressed and completely miserable. I hate everything about myself and wish I would die. Why be alive if you just suck at everything? I'm a pathitic wife, mother, and women. the only thing I hear is "just die you disgusting fat piece of shit."

I'm Back

After being gone for two weeks camping with the family I'm finally back and ready to blog. I have to say, two weeks, outdoors, with 8 kids is VERY exhausting! haha We had an ok time. Some really good days, some not so good. Dean and I learned we have to train our kids way more! Whining is prevalent in our home and it's so not ok. Let the training begin!

This week as been pretty good. We got home Sunday and started school yesterday and reworked our daily schedule. I know it's only been two days, but it's been a good two days. I have alot coming up in the next month and trying not to let it stress me out. We have family coming up, all my sisters will be together for the first time in many years, which is good and bad. We don't always get along and seem to love each other from a distance better. But maybe that's just how siblings are.

I also have the relaunching of CR coming up and I have to get my butt in gear to get stuff organized and figure out what I'm going to talk about at the informational meeting on the 10th of next month. Did I ever mention I have a fear of public speaking? ~sigh~ When I first got into CR as a leader I didn't know I would shortly become the director and run the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but I'm not good at the whole speaking to groups thing. So until I get more leaders, it's my job :-)

As far as my eating has gone, it had been going ok. I didn't think once about my ED while camping until a dear friend came to visit at the end of our trip. She struggles with needing to gain weigh. She has alot of health problems so she loses weight easily. She told me she finally got up to 120. That was my goal weight before I got pregnant. "finally go UP to." Grrr, bit me! haha I love her to death but damn it I want her body. haha I'd even take the health problems. Anyway, the last two days of camping were hard because I wanted to cry most of the time and both nights cried myself to sleep because all I could think about was how much weight I've gained and how gross I've become. I'm still around the 200lb mark. Which I'll mostly stay at until the end of the pregnancy, then gain another 20/30lbs right before I have the baby and be right back to needing to lose 100lbs. Man that is so messed up. That's how it's played out with the last two kids so it's safe to say that's how it will go this time too.

I'd like to say I'm not going to let it happen, make a plan and stick to it, but really, it's not going play out that way. Part of me wants to just say fuck it and not care until after baby and then work it off, but then I look at myself and realize that I'll be miserable if I do that yet trying to fight the fat seems so freaking hard too.

I guess that's all I have for now. Hope everyone is having a good week!

Feeling Better...And a Story

I woke up feeling pretty good this morning. This weekend I'm working on Eating small portions, eating slowly,  and stopping just when I feel full. I know they say to stop when you feel satisfied, but ummm, that doesn't really happen with an overeater. So I figure, if I'm focusing on eating slow then stopping right when I think I'm feeling full, that that's a good start. I hate that my brain doesn't register stuff like this normally. Or maybe it does and I've just been good at ignoring it for so long that now I can't tell the difference. IDK

I've been thinking a lot about what ED I really have. I've never been diagnosed with anything before, but I know how I eat and all my weirdness with food is not normal. When I was in high school, I know I was anorexic. I was very underweight and was told people could see my ribs through my clothes if I wore anything fitting. My mom almost put me in the hospital at one point. I think it was shortly after that that I turned to bulimia. I then had a short period of time where I don't think I was restricting or binging and purging, but my past is pretty foggy. (Thank you sex, drugs, and rock-N-roll.) Then I got pregnant with my first child and nose dived into overeating. For years I didn't make the connection that it was over eating. I was just enjoying food the first time in years.

Fast forward 8 years and after having m 7th baby something in me changed. I started eating healthy, and I was losing weight without trying. So, being all excited I decide to make a plan to keep this good thing going. I started counting calories and exercising almost daily. I felt better then I had in years. I lost 80lbs very quickly. I was so proud of myself! I felt great, and thought I looked amazing.

I got down to 170 and then did something every stupid. I had an affair. This was my turning point and I think my trigger for me slipping back into anorexic behavior. I know I can't say I became anorexic as you have to be underweight, but the tendencies all came back. I started restricting, exercising manically, and started hiding when I did eat. I got down to 150 and just couldn't do it anymore. I was so miserable. Binge eating starting to take over and I threw up a few times but hated it and didn't want to get back into bulimia. I started to gain and then found out I was pregnant. I didn't really watch what I ate at that point. I fell right back into overeating claiming I'd just work it off after baby.

Easier said then down, but my mind was in a good place. I had my down days but I'd work through them. I then lost 30lbs within a couple weeks and was able to keep it off but my body just didn't want to lose anymore weight. I then started the yo-yo diet crap which brings me to today.

I really don't know where this little story came from, but there you go. A little in site into my past. So with all that said, I don't really know what or if I have a specific ED. I know I have tendencies of all of them, so maybe it's that EDNOS I've heard about. I'm not even sure what to call my ED, other then fucked up. haha I know I have disordered eating and I guess sense I have to deal with it, I'd like to pick the one to suffer from. I know, that probably sounds lame, but whatever. If I have to suffer from an ED, I'd like it to be Anorexia. In my eyes, I see Ani as strong, beautiful, and always in control. All of which I want so very badly. I was there before, so why on earth can't I get it back. I'm not saying I want to be anorexic, but I want what comes with it. Strength, control, beauty, bones. And like I said, if it's my destiny to suffer from and ED, damn it, let me pick the one to have. haha

Well, this post got much longer then I planned so I'm going to go for now. Hope everyone has a great weekend!